Bernie Quotes
In small-town Texas, an affable mortician strikes up a friendship with a wealthy widow, though when she starts to become controlling, he goes to great lengths to separate himself from her grasp.
Scrappy Holmes: Your honor, counsel, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, all Danny Buck Davidson wants to do in this trial is get you to believe that Bernie is some kind of monster. That he is something other than a fellow human being. Look at him, ladies and gentlemen. There is not one hint of premeditation in this case. If there was, he'd have done it a lot differently. He mighta gotten away with it. Did he try to poison her slowly? No. Did he burn down the house? Say it was an accidental fire? No. He still knew he'd done wrong. He knew he was gonna get found out. He just did not have the courage to tell on himself. But like a good funeral director, he preserved the body so that she could have a proper burial. And in the meantime he did a lot of good for a lot of people. Till he finally got caught. He just doesn't sound like any kind of monster I've ever heard of.
Scrappy Holmes: So why did you leave the body there? It would seem to me that if you didn't want to get caught, you'd find some way to dispose of it.
Bernie Tiede: Oh, no, no. No, I could never do that. That was never my intention. Everyone deserves a proper burial. And I was... I was just waiting for my chance to give her one.
Bernie Tiede: Oh, no, no. No, I could never do that. That was never my intention. Everyone deserves a proper burial. And I was... I was just waiting for my chance to give her one.
Danny Buck: [describing signs that confirm Bernie Tiede as gay] And the kicker is he always wore sandals.
[scene cuts away]
Townsperson: Our Lord and Savior always wore sandals, and he never married. And he had twelve disciples, and I don't think any of them ever married. And the apostle Paul, he was a lifelong bachelor. And you never heard anybody in the New Testament say that they were a bunch of queers.
[scene cuts away]
Townsperson: Our Lord and Savior always wore sandals, and he never married. And he had twelve disciples, and I don't think any of them ever married. And the apostle Paul, he was a lifelong bachelor. And you never heard anybody in the New Testament say that they were a bunch of queers.
Scrappy Holmes: Well, trials are generally moved when the judge determines that the defendant can't get a fair trial locally. And that's usually because the crime is so egregious and so well-known that everybody in the community has already convicted the poor soon of a bitch accused of it. But in all the years I've been doing this for a living, I have never heard of the State seeking a change of venue because the defendant was so well-liked that they couldn't get a conviction.
Marjorie Nugent: Now you! You've got two minutes to explain these accounts to me. Or three minutes from now, I just might get myself another stockbroker.
Lloyd Hornbuckle: I can explain everything, Ms. Marjorie. It's a very simple case of them changing their accounting statements. They changed their formatting. It's reformatted, in a different... format.
Lloyd Hornbuckle: I can explain everything, Ms. Marjorie. It's a very simple case of them changing their accounting statements. They changed their formatting. It's reformatted, in a different... format.
[first lines]
Professor Fleming: I'm very honored to introduce our guest lecturer today. He graduated from here about 15 years ago. He's gone on to a fabulous career. I can't think of a single person who's more qualified or more adept at the final procedures you've been studying lately. Now you've learned the science. Now's your chance to learn the art. Students, Mr. Bernie Tiede...
Professor Fleming: I'm very honored to introduce our guest lecturer today. He graduated from here about 15 years ago. He's gone on to a fabulous career. I can't think of a single person who's more qualified or more adept at the final procedures you've been studying lately. Now you've learned the science. Now's your chance to learn the art. Students, Mr. Bernie Tiede...
Bernie Tiede: These economy boxes are not very large. We may have to make a leg adjustment to get a proper fit.
Mrs. Eckles: Leg adjustment?
Bernie Tiede: Well, not necessarily break the legs, but definitely bend the feet...
Mrs. Eckles: [appalled, patting Mr. Eckles' chest in concern] No! No, I... I won't have it.
Bernie Tiede: Then may I suggest the Corinthian?
Mrs. Eckles: Leg adjustment?
Bernie Tiede: Well, not necessarily break the legs, but definitely bend the feet...
Mrs. Eckles: [appalled, patting Mr. Eckles' chest in concern] No! No, I... I won't have it.
Bernie Tiede: Then may I suggest the Corinthian?
Townsperson: I wrote the warden a letter. Yeah, I did. I told him that he had to give you a work release or something like that, so that you could sing at my funeral. Now, I'm not sick or anything, but now Bernie, you promised me that you would do that. And I totally mean wear those lil' chains or whatever if it made them feel better, so...
Bernie Tiede: That is awful sweet, Lenora. And it would be an honor, but don't count on it. I don't think they're letting me out of here for nothing.
Townsperson: Oh pfft... sure they will. I told him that you went temporarily insane. And we're all going insane sooner or later.
Bernie Tiede: That is awful sweet, Lenora. And it would be an honor, but don't count on it. I don't think they're letting me out of here for nothing.
Townsperson: Oh pfft... sure they will. I told him that you went temporarily insane. And we're all going insane sooner or later.
Danny Buck: Ladies and gentlemen, after listening to all the evidence, I'm sure that you will agree that the defendant is a liar, a coward, and a backshooter. Now, come on. That's got to be about the lowest thing a man could ever do, ain't it? Shoot a little old lady in the back? Four times. There is no doubt in my mind that Bernie Tiede is a calculating, evil actor. He fooled a whole town for nine months. Now if he can do that, there ain't no telling what he'll do if you let him back on the streets. That poor woman stayed frozen stiff for nine whole months. In a freezer. It took two days to thaw her out. Just so they could perform a proper autopsy.
