Becker Quotes
Dr. John Becker goes through his daily routine of being a doctor, stopping at his favorite diner, and other various situations, all the while hating life and everything around him.
Dr. John Becker: Did anyone watch the news last night?
Jake Malinak: Well, I don't really...
Dr. John Becker: Rhetorical question, stay with me, Jake. So they're doing a story about violence in America. And while they are interviewing a bloated senator from one of our great trailer park states, instead of making guns harder to get, he blames the violence on television. What about all the violence that happened before television? I suppose the Spanish Inquisition came off a bad episode of Gilligan's Island.
Dr. John Becker: Oh great, no cigarettes, the perfect cherry on this crap sundae of a morning.
Jake Malinak: I don't see why you don't just quit, John, they're taking years off your life
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, but those are the crusty old fart years that you spend just bitching at the world.
Jake Malinak: As opposed to this whole Gandhi thing you've got going on now?
Jake Malinak: Well, I don't really...
Dr. John Becker: Rhetorical question, stay with me, Jake. So they're doing a story about violence in America. And while they are interviewing a bloated senator from one of our great trailer park states, instead of making guns harder to get, he blames the violence on television. What about all the violence that happened before television? I suppose the Spanish Inquisition came off a bad episode of Gilligan's Island.
Dr. John Becker: Oh great, no cigarettes, the perfect cherry on this crap sundae of a morning.
Jake Malinak: I don't see why you don't just quit, John, they're taking years off your life
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, but those are the crusty old fart years that you spend just bitching at the world.
Jake Malinak: As opposed to this whole Gandhi thing you've got going on now?
Margaret: Just for today, you are Beth.
Lynda: I don't like the name Beth.
Linda: I do, can I be Beth?
Lynda: I want to be Beth too.
Margaret: You can't both be Beth.
Linda: Why? We're both Linda.
Lynda: Let's pick our own names.
Linda: I want to be Margaret.
Lynda: No, I want to be Margaret.
Margaret: I want to be dead.
Lynda: I don't like the name Beth.
Linda: I do, can I be Beth?
Lynda: I want to be Beth too.
Margaret: You can't both be Beth.
Linda: Why? We're both Linda.
Lynda: Let's pick our own names.
Linda: I want to be Margaret.
Lynda: No, I want to be Margaret.
Margaret: I want to be dead.
Linda: [after getting caught sleeping at the front desk] Ok, here's the thing! I was up all night with my friend who got dumped by her boyfriend.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, and how's that my problem?
Linda: Well I didn't get any sleep. All night long she was crying and sobbing and moaning. The only way I could calm her down was to make her a coffee surprise. That's 2 parts coffee, 1 part Jack Daniels.
Dr. John Becker: What's the surprise?
Linda: It's really 5 parts Jack Daniels.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, and how's that my problem?
Linda: Well I didn't get any sleep. All night long she was crying and sobbing and moaning. The only way I could calm her down was to make her a coffee surprise. That's 2 parts coffee, 1 part Jack Daniels.
Dr. John Becker: What's the surprise?
Linda: It's really 5 parts Jack Daniels.
Linda: [after John finds a stray cat in his office] Oh look, a kitty! When I was little I had a cat just like this. He was the cutest thing I ever saw until he took a nap in the dryer. He was never quite the same after that.
Dr. John Becker: Margaret, I don't care what you do. Take it to the woods, put it out on the street, I don't care. Just get rid of it.
Margaret: Just to be clear, we are talking about the cat?
Dr. John Becker: Margaret, I don't care what you do. Take it to the woods, put it out on the street, I don't care. Just get rid of it.
Margaret: Just to be clear, we are talking about the cat?
Linda: Doctor, do you have a problem with these?
Dr. John Becker: [looks at Linda's low-cut top and exposed abdomen] These?
Linda: These clothes? Margaret says that anyone who goes around dressed like this has no self respect. Now I'm not saying I'm the capital of self respect, but I feel pretty good about myself.
[follows John to the restroom and props the door open with her foot]
Linda: I mean, the clothes I wear have no effect on the way I do my job. Sure if I wore a suit of magnets then metal stuff would come flying at me, so I don't. But my point is is that if I had to go out and buy a whole bunch of other stuff well that would cost me a lot and I couldn't do that on what I'm making here. And I'm not asking you for more money, although if you offered it to me I wouldn't turn it down. Wow, I just asked for a raise. Cool!
Dr. John Becker: Wear what you want. No raise. Go away.
Dr. John Becker: [looks at Linda's low-cut top and exposed abdomen] These?
Linda: These clothes? Margaret says that anyone who goes around dressed like this has no self respect. Now I'm not saying I'm the capital of self respect, but I feel pretty good about myself.
[follows John to the restroom and props the door open with her foot]
Linda: I mean, the clothes I wear have no effect on the way I do my job. Sure if I wore a suit of magnets then metal stuff would come flying at me, so I don't. But my point is is that if I had to go out and buy a whole bunch of other stuff well that would cost me a lot and I couldn't do that on what I'm making here. And I'm not asking you for more money, although if you offered it to me I wouldn't turn it down. Wow, I just asked for a raise. Cool!
Dr. John Becker: Wear what you want. No raise. Go away.
Linda: [Stops looking through the trash can as Dr. Becker walks by] Morning doctor!
Dr. John Becker: Oh yeah, good morning... um.
Linda: Linda.
Dr. John Becker: Right. I knew it was something weird like that.
Linda: I know you said not to talk to you unless it was absolutely necessary, but I just want to say thanks a lot for making me a nurses aid. I never thought I would be a professional anything! And this is way better than sweeping up hair at a beauty salon. Although the fumes from those hair dyes can give you a pretty good buzz! You know, this one time I...
Dr. John Becker: [interrupts] You know if you shut your mouth it keeps the words from just falling out like that.
Linda: I know! I know I talk too much and I'm working on that, but you just don't know what it's like in here!
[pounds on forehead]
Linda: All these thoughts keep flying around and... and I'm sensing a little hostility.
Dr. John Becker: Go with that.
Linda: You mean?
Dr. John Becker: I mean go.
Dr. John Becker: Oh yeah, good morning... um.
Linda: Linda.
Dr. John Becker: Right. I knew it was something weird like that.
Linda: I know you said not to talk to you unless it was absolutely necessary, but I just want to say thanks a lot for making me a nurses aid. I never thought I would be a professional anything! And this is way better than sweeping up hair at a beauty salon. Although the fumes from those hair dyes can give you a pretty good buzz! You know, this one time I...
Dr. John Becker: [interrupts] You know if you shut your mouth it keeps the words from just falling out like that.
Linda: I know! I know I talk too much and I'm working on that, but you just don't know what it's like in here!
[pounds on forehead]
Linda: All these thoughts keep flying around and... and I'm sensing a little hostility.
Dr. John Becker: Go with that.
Linda: You mean?
Dr. John Becker: I mean go.
Dr. John Becker: Look, someone in your department shut down a residential care facility in my neighborhood and threw everyone out into the street. Now I'm here because I want something done about it!
Deputy Secretary: Wow. You sound pretty upset.
Dr. John Becker: Well, I am. You know, I've been on the phone all afternoon calling every city agency I can think of, and all I got was the typical beureaucratic runaround.
Deputy Secretary: Well that's terrible, you shouldn't have been treated like that.
Dr. John Becker: At least you see that.
Deputy Secretary: Well of course I do!
Dr. John Becker: Then you'll help me?
Deputy Secretary: Oh dear no.
Dr. John Becker: ...Well, maybe you didn't understand me...
Deputy Secretary: No, I understood you perfectly. You've discovered a social injustice, and as a concerned citizen you've come to your government to demand some action.
Dr. John Becker: Exactly!
Deputy Secretary: It's not gonna happen. But that look on your face, oh, that took me back! What was that, righteous indignation? I used to feel like that when I first started working here forty-two years ago.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, well - you've been in this office forty-two years?
Deputy Secretary: Yeah. Same desk, same fake plant, same window. Doesn't open. None of them do. Otherwise we'd all jump out. But you were saying?
Dr. John Becker: Look, I told you! Either reopen the facility, or make some arrangements to take care of these people!
Deputy Secretary: And I told you, I can't help.
Dr. John Becker: But you're the deputy secretary of social services!
Deputy Secretary: It's just a title.
Dr. John Becker: Dammit! Look, listen - you're in charge here, you're responsible, you work for the city!
Deputy Secretary: You're not listening! I can't help. Nobody can help. That facility is not going to reopen, and I'll tell you why: there is no money! There's no money because the federal government cut taxes, which is all anybody seems to care about anymore. That means less money for the state, which means less money for the city, which means we had to cut services, which means fewer cops, fewer firemen, bad air, bad water and crappy schools which will turn out another generation of voters too stupid and greedy to care about anything else besides cutting taxes! So don't you come in here and tell me to fix your problem, because there's not a DAMN THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!... Where did that come from?
Deputy Secretary: Wow. You sound pretty upset.
Dr. John Becker: Well, I am. You know, I've been on the phone all afternoon calling every city agency I can think of, and all I got was the typical beureaucratic runaround.
Deputy Secretary: Well that's terrible, you shouldn't have been treated like that.
Dr. John Becker: At least you see that.
Deputy Secretary: Well of course I do!
Dr. John Becker: Then you'll help me?
Deputy Secretary: Oh dear no.
Dr. John Becker: ...Well, maybe you didn't understand me...
Deputy Secretary: No, I understood you perfectly. You've discovered a social injustice, and as a concerned citizen you've come to your government to demand some action.
Dr. John Becker: Exactly!
Deputy Secretary: It's not gonna happen. But that look on your face, oh, that took me back! What was that, righteous indignation? I used to feel like that when I first started working here forty-two years ago.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, well - you've been in this office forty-two years?
Deputy Secretary: Yeah. Same desk, same fake plant, same window. Doesn't open. None of them do. Otherwise we'd all jump out. But you were saying?
Dr. John Becker: Look, I told you! Either reopen the facility, or make some arrangements to take care of these people!
Deputy Secretary: And I told you, I can't help.
Dr. John Becker: But you're the deputy secretary of social services!
Deputy Secretary: It's just a title.
Dr. John Becker: Dammit! Look, listen - you're in charge here, you're responsible, you work for the city!
Deputy Secretary: You're not listening! I can't help. Nobody can help. That facility is not going to reopen, and I'll tell you why: there is no money! There's no money because the federal government cut taxes, which is all anybody seems to care about anymore. That means less money for the state, which means less money for the city, which means we had to cut services, which means fewer cops, fewer firemen, bad air, bad water and crappy schools which will turn out another generation of voters too stupid and greedy to care about anything else besides cutting taxes! So don't you come in here and tell me to fix your problem, because there's not a DAMN THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!... Where did that come from?
Maureen: [holds out her hand] ATM card?
Linda: Oh! Yeah, I forgot.
[hands Maureen the card and begins to walk away]
Maureen: Pin number, hello!
Linda: Oh! Sorry, it's really easy to remember. You take the number of letters in Linda, that's 5. Then you subtract 3, that's the number of fingers my ex-boyfriend has on his left hand. Then you add the number of kids my Uncle Frank has, that's 8. Then you subtract the number of planets in the Solar System, that's 12.
Maureen: [interrupts] There are 9 planets.
Linda: Really?
[starts counting on her fingers]
Linda: Oh well, you're just going to have to remember it. It's 1-2-3-4-5.
Maureen: Freak!
[exits the office]
Linda: Oh! Yeah, I forgot.
[hands Maureen the card and begins to walk away]
Maureen: Pin number, hello!
Linda: Oh! Sorry, it's really easy to remember. You take the number of letters in Linda, that's 5. Then you subtract 3, that's the number of fingers my ex-boyfriend has on his left hand. Then you add the number of kids my Uncle Frank has, that's 8. Then you subtract the number of planets in the Solar System, that's 12.
Maureen: [interrupts] There are 9 planets.
Linda: Really?
[starts counting on her fingers]
Linda: Oh well, you're just going to have to remember it. It's 1-2-3-4-5.
Maureen: Freak!
[exits the office]
Patient: So, doctor, can you tell me what's wrong with me?
Dr. John Becker: It's the flu.
Patient: I mean, my heads stuffed up, my nose is clogged.
Dr. John Becker: These are all symptoms of the flu.
Patient: My muscles ache, I have no energy.
Dr. John Becker: It's the flu!
Patient: I sweat at night. I think that's why they call them night sweats.
Dr. John Becker: [shouts] It's the flu! Jeez, what's wrong with you?
Patient: I don't know, I think I caught a bug.
Dr. John Becker: [storms out]
Dr. John Becker: It's the flu.
Patient: I mean, my heads stuffed up, my nose is clogged.
Dr. John Becker: These are all symptoms of the flu.
Patient: My muscles ache, I have no energy.
Dr. John Becker: It's the flu!
Patient: I sweat at night. I think that's why they call them night sweats.
Dr. John Becker: [shouts] It's the flu! Jeez, what's wrong with you?
Patient: I don't know, I think I caught a bug.
Dr. John Becker: [storms out]
Dr. John Becker: Well, I went to my first anger class and it worked... I'm pissed as hell. I'm in a room with a bunch of psychos, they hand out pamphlets and get this: Its an anger symptom early warning device.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Its a rubber band.
Dr. John Becker: Oh! College girl! Anyway, I'm supposed to snap it everytime I feel angry.
Jake Malinak: Won't that make you more angry?
Dr. John Becker: Shut up.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Behavior modification works very well to help break behavioral patterns.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, look Reg, a couple of classes at the institute of psychology and air conditioner repair doesn't qualify you to pepper me with dime-store generalities.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Its a rubber band.
Dr. John Becker: Oh! College girl! Anyway, I'm supposed to snap it everytime I feel angry.
Jake Malinak: Won't that make you more angry?
Dr. John Becker: Shut up.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Behavior modification works very well to help break behavioral patterns.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, look Reg, a couple of classes at the institute of psychology and air conditioner repair doesn't qualify you to pepper me with dime-store generalities.
Linda: Dr. Becker, do you have a minute?
Dr. John Becker: No, I definitely don't.
Linda: Well this won't take but a minute. This friend of mine got a tattoo of her boyfriend's name and since they broke up she was wondering if you knew anyone who could remove it for her.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah I have a name for you, but what kind of idiot meets a guy in a bar and two minutes later tattoos his name on her ass?
Linda: Well, technically it's my lower back.
[Gasps and quickly walks away from John]
Dr. John Becker: No, I definitely don't.
Linda: Well this won't take but a minute. This friend of mine got a tattoo of her boyfriend's name and since they broke up she was wondering if you knew anyone who could remove it for her.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah I have a name for you, but what kind of idiot meets a guy in a bar and two minutes later tattoos his name on her ass?
Linda: Well, technically it's my lower back.
[Gasps and quickly walks away from John]
[a patient can't open the door]
Dr. John Becker: Door's unlocked right?
Margaret: Yup.
Dr. John Becker: And he still can't get in?
Margaret: Apparently.
Dr. John Becker: I guess I can be a little more tolerant.
Margaret: Oh, come on, you can't possibly be that stupid! If you keep pulling and it isn't working there is only one possible option, press the button and push!
[opens the door and looks to Dr. John Becker]
Margaret: Jackass!
Dr. John Becker: Feels good, doesn't it?
Dr. John Becker: Door's unlocked right?
Margaret: Yup.
Dr. John Becker: And he still can't get in?
Margaret: Apparently.
Dr. John Becker: I guess I can be a little more tolerant.
Margaret: Oh, come on, you can't possibly be that stupid! If you keep pulling and it isn't working there is only one possible option, press the button and push!
[opens the door and looks to Dr. John Becker]
Margaret: Jackass!
Dr. John Becker: Feels good, doesn't it?
Linda: Are you okay?
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, I'm just really pissed off.
Linda: So you're okay.
Dr. John Becker: No! Linda come here and sit down for a second, will ya? The other day Reggie pulled a stunt on me and I want to get even with her. I was just thinking
[pauses]
Dr. John Becker: You're sneaky.
Linda: Yeah.
Dr. John Becker: So how can I get back at her?
Linda: Okay, this is what you do. Open the hood of her car.
Dr. John Becker: [chuckles] Yeah?
Linda: Find the distributor cap. Below that is the master cylinder. Underneath that is the brake line. Cut that. Next thing you know she's doing 70 on the highway without a care in the world and, BAM!
Dr. John Becker: [looks at Linda in fear] You know, Linda. I'm going to think about that tonight and probably every night for the rest of my life.
[exits his office]
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, I'm just really pissed off.
Linda: So you're okay.
Dr. John Becker: No! Linda come here and sit down for a second, will ya? The other day Reggie pulled a stunt on me and I want to get even with her. I was just thinking
[pauses]
Dr. John Becker: You're sneaky.
Linda: Yeah.
Dr. John Becker: So how can I get back at her?
Linda: Okay, this is what you do. Open the hood of her car.
Dr. John Becker: [chuckles] Yeah?
Linda: Find the distributor cap. Below that is the master cylinder. Underneath that is the brake line. Cut that. Next thing you know she's doing 70 on the highway without a care in the world and, BAM!
Dr. John Becker: [looks at Linda in fear] You know, Linda. I'm going to think about that tonight and probably every night for the rest of my life.
[exits his office]
Margaret: [after bailing John out of jail] His temper finally got him into real trouble. He was arrested this morning.
Linda: No!
Margaret: For assaulting two police officers.
Linda: No!
Margaret: The judge sentenced him to anger management.
Linda: Great!
[receives a dirty look from John]
Linda: I mean no!
Linda: No!
Margaret: For assaulting two police officers.
Linda: No!
Margaret: The judge sentenced him to anger management.
Linda: Great!
[receives a dirty look from John]
Linda: I mean no!
Margaret: All these girls can be so dumb! Tanning salons are so bad for you.
Linda: Oh come on, Margaret. You remember what it was like when you needed a quick tan for a big occasion, like the prom.
Margaret: No, Linda, I never needed a quick tan.
Linda: Oh my God, Margaret, I'm so sorry. You didn't go to your prom did you?
Linda: Oh come on, Margaret. You remember what it was like when you needed a quick tan for a big occasion, like the prom.
Margaret: No, Linda, I never needed a quick tan.
Linda: Oh my God, Margaret, I'm so sorry. You didn't go to your prom did you?
Dr. John Becker: [after standing up from witness chair in courtroom] I will not sit here and be accused of being a bad doctor. I am a damn good doctor.
Judge Reinhold: Doctor Becker, you are out of order!
Dr. John Becker: [turning to judge] No! You know something: You're out of order! This whole system is out of order!
Judge Reinhold: [bangs gavel] All right, Pacino. You have no idea how much I hate that damn movie!
Judge Reinhold: Doctor Becker, you are out of order!
Dr. John Becker: [turning to judge] No! You know something: You're out of order! This whole system is out of order!
Judge Reinhold: [bangs gavel] All right, Pacino. You have no idea how much I hate that damn movie!
Linda: Hey, if you really have no place to live you can stay with me.
Bob: Excuse me?
Linda: I have plenty of room at my place.
Margaret: Excuse me!
Linda: Stay as long as you like.
Bob: Wow, thanks! Look we'll iron out the details later, but first Bob's gotta go to the can.
[grabs a magazine and begins to walk into the restroom]
Linda: Um, that's a ladies room.
Bob: Not for the next 20 minutes!
Margaret: Linda, I know you have a big heart but are you sure this is a good idea?
Linda: You're the one who's always telling me to help the needy.
Margaret: Yes, but...
Linda: [interrupts] And isn't Bob needy?
Margaret: Oh yes, but...
Linda: [interrupts] And isn't that what Christianity is all about?
Margaret: [pauses] Christ never met Bob.
Bob: Excuse me?
Linda: I have plenty of room at my place.
Margaret: Excuse me!
Linda: Stay as long as you like.
Bob: Wow, thanks! Look we'll iron out the details later, but first Bob's gotta go to the can.
[grabs a magazine and begins to walk into the restroom]
Linda: Um, that's a ladies room.
Bob: Not for the next 20 minutes!
Margaret: Linda, I know you have a big heart but are you sure this is a good idea?
Linda: You're the one who's always telling me to help the needy.
Margaret: Yes, but...
Linda: [interrupts] And isn't Bob needy?
Margaret: Oh yes, but...
Linda: [interrupts] And isn't that what Christianity is all about?
Margaret: [pauses] Christ never met Bob.
[Linda wants to rename the exam rooms A, B and C and put the patients in them according to the letter of their ailment]
Dr. John Becker: There are three exams rooms, that's only A, B and C. What if someone comes in with, oh, I don't know, "M" for "migraine"?
Linda: Headache, "A" for ache.
Dr. John Becker: Pregnancy?
Dr. John Becker: "B" for baby.
Dr. John Becker: X-ray?
Linda: "C" for see-through.
Dr. John Becker: There are three exams rooms, that's only A, B and C. What if someone comes in with, oh, I don't know, "M" for "migraine"?
Linda: Headache, "A" for ache.
Dr. John Becker: Pregnancy?
Dr. John Becker: "B" for baby.
Dr. John Becker: X-ray?
Linda: "C" for see-through.
[Linda stands up with a post-it note stuck on her forehead]
Linda: I had a message for Margaret but I can't find it.
Dr. John Becker: Was it to tell her Mrs. Cooper called?
Linda: Wow, it's like you read my mind.
Dr. John Becker: Some are easier than others.
[Becker walks away and Margaret comes in]
Linda: I have a message for you.
Margaret: Was it to tell me Mrs. Cooper called?
Linda: Wow, you people are freaky.
[Linda goes in the back]
Dr. John Becker: I won't tell her if you won't tell her.
Linda: I had a message for Margaret but I can't find it.
Dr. John Becker: Was it to tell her Mrs. Cooper called?
Linda: Wow, it's like you read my mind.
Dr. John Becker: Some are easier than others.
[Becker walks away and Margaret comes in]
Linda: I have a message for you.
Margaret: Was it to tell me Mrs. Cooper called?
Linda: Wow, you people are freaky.
[Linda goes in the back]
Dr. John Becker: I won't tell her if you won't tell her.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Doesn't what she did piss you off?
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, it just doesn't surprise me because I happen to feel that most people are cruel, small-minded and shallow.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Oh, come on, Becker, if I believed that then I'd have to believe that the entire world just sucks.
Dr. John Becker: Thank you! That's what I've been trying to tell you every single morning for the past two years! Thank you.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, it just doesn't surprise me because I happen to feel that most people are cruel, small-minded and shallow.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Oh, come on, Becker, if I believed that then I'd have to believe that the entire world just sucks.
Dr. John Becker: Thank you! That's what I've been trying to tell you every single morning for the past two years! Thank you.
[Becker's patient is Richard Hatch, winner of Survivor: Borneo]
Dr. John Becker: [checking his clipboard] Okay, uh, Mr. Hatch. I'm Dr. Becker.
[he and Richard shake hands]
Richard Hatch: Hey, Doc. Want me to take my clothes off? 'Cause that's no problem.
Dr. John Becker: Uh, why don't we just talk first.
Richard Hatch: Okay.
Dr. John Becker: [checking his clipboard] All right. It says you're here for... stomach distress. Any, uh, recent changes in your diet?
Richard Hatch: No, but, uh, several months ago, I was out of the country.
Dr. John Becker: Oh, yeah, I've seen that before. Mexico?
Richard Hatch: No, I was on this island. My diet was very exotic. I pretty much existed on stingray, dog food, beetle larvae...
Dr. John Becker: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop. What the hell's wrong with you?
Richard Hatch: Hey, some of the *other* people there ate rats.
Dr. John Becker: Rats? Well, why in the world would anyone do that?
Richard Hatch: It was for "Survivor."
Dr. John Becker: "Survivor?"
Richard Hatch: You know, the contest? The show? It was on television.
Dr. John Becker: Television? Oh, my God! You know, what is this world coming to? People are eating bugs and rats on a stupid television show? I swear to God! You know, TV has become nothing more than the... the Petri dish where this country grows its idiots! Don't they have better things to do than to debase themselves coast to coast?
Richard Hatch: Well, I won.
Dr. John Becker: Oh, yeah, won. Yeah, please. I mean, what could you possibly have won that would make up for your loss of self-respect?
Richard Hatch: A million dollars?
Dr. John Becker: Now, h-h-how could I get involved with something like that? Is that something that any... just anybody...
[the scene fades out]
Dr. John Becker: [checking his clipboard] Okay, uh, Mr. Hatch. I'm Dr. Becker.
[he and Richard shake hands]
Richard Hatch: Hey, Doc. Want me to take my clothes off? 'Cause that's no problem.
Dr. John Becker: Uh, why don't we just talk first.
Richard Hatch: Okay.
Dr. John Becker: [checking his clipboard] All right. It says you're here for... stomach distress. Any, uh, recent changes in your diet?
Richard Hatch: No, but, uh, several months ago, I was out of the country.
Dr. John Becker: Oh, yeah, I've seen that before. Mexico?
Richard Hatch: No, I was on this island. My diet was very exotic. I pretty much existed on stingray, dog food, beetle larvae...
Dr. John Becker: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop. What the hell's wrong with you?
Richard Hatch: Hey, some of the *other* people there ate rats.
Dr. John Becker: Rats? Well, why in the world would anyone do that?
Richard Hatch: It was for "Survivor."
Dr. John Becker: "Survivor?"
Richard Hatch: You know, the contest? The show? It was on television.
Dr. John Becker: Television? Oh, my God! You know, what is this world coming to? People are eating bugs and rats on a stupid television show? I swear to God! You know, TV has become nothing more than the... the Petri dish where this country grows its idiots! Don't they have better things to do than to debase themselves coast to coast?
Richard Hatch: Well, I won.
Dr. John Becker: Oh, yeah, won. Yeah, please. I mean, what could you possibly have won that would make up for your loss of self-respect?
Richard Hatch: A million dollars?
Dr. John Becker: Now, h-h-how could I get involved with something like that? Is that something that any... just anybody...
[the scene fades out]
Dr. John Becker: What's new, Linda?
Linda: A bunch of patients, but that's not important. Oh, yeah, there is a lawyer in your office, but that's not important. Wait 'til you see Margaret, she is wearing the most hideous thing.
Dr. John Becker: The flower dress?
Linda: No, worse.
Dr. John Becker: The pants with the gold circles?
Linda: No, worse. It looks like someone ate a box of crayons and threw up a sweater. Whatever you do, don't laugh.
Dr. John Becker: Linda, Margaret and I are coworkers, I know how to keep a straight face.
[walks in the back as Margaret walks by and laughs at her 'swest']
Linda: A bunch of patients, but that's not important. Oh, yeah, there is a lawyer in your office, but that's not important. Wait 'til you see Margaret, she is wearing the most hideous thing.
Dr. John Becker: The flower dress?
Linda: No, worse.
Dr. John Becker: The pants with the gold circles?
Linda: No, worse. It looks like someone ate a box of crayons and threw up a sweater. Whatever you do, don't laugh.
Dr. John Becker: Linda, Margaret and I are coworkers, I know how to keep a straight face.
[walks in the back as Margaret walks by and laughs at her 'swest']
Mr. Stoler: I don't need these pills. This test confirms everything I believe in.
Dr. John Becker: Damn it, this is what pisses me off about you people. You people find religion and think that you have all the answers!
Mr. Stoler: Don't doctors think they have all the answers?
Dr. John Becker: I *do* have all the answers!
Dr. John Becker: Damn it, this is what pisses me off about you people. You people find religion and think that you have all the answers!
Mr. Stoler: Don't doctors think they have all the answers?
Dr. John Becker: I *do* have all the answers!
Dr. John Becker: [walks into the diner to find Linda and Margaret sitting at a table] Oh, I'm glad you're here. I was in here last night had an experience that made me realize I might have a small problem with anger.
Margaret: [interrupts] Hah!
Dr. John Becker: I thought about it a lot and I realized that the anger class may have some merit. I'm going to use its techniques to try to change my life completely.
Margaret: [interrupts again] Hah!
Dr. John Becker: Are you going to keep doing that?
Margaret: I don't know yet.
Dr. John Becker: The first step is to call upon my support network, that's all of you
[points to Linda, Margaret, and Jake]
Dr. John Becker: , for your assistance...
[stops and pauses]
Dr. John Becker: The hell with it. I'll try to control myself and you try not to piss me off.
Linda: [pauses] Hah!
Margaret: Well put!
[laughs and leaves the diner with Linda]
Margaret: [interrupts] Hah!
Dr. John Becker: I thought about it a lot and I realized that the anger class may have some merit. I'm going to use its techniques to try to change my life completely.
Margaret: [interrupts again] Hah!
Dr. John Becker: Are you going to keep doing that?
Margaret: I don't know yet.
Dr. John Becker: The first step is to call upon my support network, that's all of you
[points to Linda, Margaret, and Jake]
Dr. John Becker: , for your assistance...
[stops and pauses]
Dr. John Becker: The hell with it. I'll try to control myself and you try not to piss me off.
Linda: [pauses] Hah!
Margaret: Well put!
[laughs and leaves the diner with Linda]
Margaret: [Referring to a gift to Linda from Bob] Aren't you going to open it?
Linda: I'm afraid to.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Don't bother. It's a leopard thong.
Linda: How do you know?
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: First gift?
Linda: Yeah.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Leopard thong.
Linda: Oh, come on. Do you really think he would...
[pauses to peek inside of the box]
Linda: Ok, let's say he did.
Linda: I'm afraid to.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Don't bother. It's a leopard thong.
Linda: How do you know?
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: First gift?
Linda: Yeah.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Leopard thong.
Linda: Oh, come on. Do you really think he would...
[pauses to peek inside of the box]
Linda: Ok, let's say he did.
[Reggie's diner has been robbed]
Dr. John Becker: Well, maybe this is a good sign. I mean, who would want to rob this place? Maybe they've finally run out of places to rob, and crime will finally stop in New York. I mean, were could they possibly rob next?
[pause]
Dr. John Becker: Oh, dear God, my apartment!
Dr. John Becker: Well, maybe this is a good sign. I mean, who would want to rob this place? Maybe they've finally run out of places to rob, and crime will finally stop in New York. I mean, were could they possibly rob next?
[pause]
Dr. John Becker: Oh, dear God, my apartment!
Mr. Humphries: Tonight, I want you to read this.
Dr. John Becker: "10,000 reasons to smile"? Puppies, rainbows... this is 10,000 reasons to step in front of a bus!
Mr. Humphries: My grandson bought that for me, but if you don't like it, then, here, read this.
Dr. John Becker: "Tuesdays With Morrie"?
Mr. Humphries: It's about a younger man who visits an older man in the hospital.
Dr. John Becker: We don't need to read this book, we're living it right now!
Mr. Humphries: The younger man has a *positive* outlook on life. You got a problem with "Tuesdays With Morrie"?
Dr. John Becker: No, I got no problem with Tuesday. It's every other day of the week that's giving me trouble!
Dr. John Becker: "10,000 reasons to smile"? Puppies, rainbows... this is 10,000 reasons to step in front of a bus!
Mr. Humphries: My grandson bought that for me, but if you don't like it, then, here, read this.
Dr. John Becker: "Tuesdays With Morrie"?
Mr. Humphries: It's about a younger man who visits an older man in the hospital.
Dr. John Becker: We don't need to read this book, we're living it right now!
Mr. Humphries: The younger man has a *positive* outlook on life. You got a problem with "Tuesdays With Morrie"?
Dr. John Becker: No, I got no problem with Tuesday. It's every other day of the week that's giving me trouble!
