Bad Company Quotes
When a Harvard-educated CIA agent is killed during an operation, the secret agency recruits his twin brother.
Jake Hayes: If you stayed on top of things, you'd understand that the traditional checks are not 100% fool-proof. This last test was designed by the head of nuclear science at Caltech, a Dr. Dre. Dr. Dre, along with Dr. Irving and Professor Griffin and the rest of the Wu Tang Clan, know that it is best when you have a baseline screen situation to achieve a pulsopular cataclysmic calibration or something we like to call the Shaq Attack.
Michelle Petrov: Shaq Attack?
Jake Hayes: Yes, named after Dr. O'Neal of Los Angeles, formerly of Orlando.
Michelle Petrov: Shaq Attack?
Jake Hayes: Yes, named after Dr. O'Neal of Los Angeles, formerly of Orlando.
Gaylord Oaks: [after trying to guilt Jake into coming back] Well, that didn't work did it?
Jake Hayes: No!
[mocking Oaks]
Jake Hayes: "I'm going to go outside and count to ten"? Who the hell are you? You'd would have done better with "Bitch, get in the car".
Gaylord Oaks: Okay. Get in the car... bitch.
Jake Hayes: No!
[mocking Oaks]
Jake Hayes: "I'm going to go outside and count to ten"? Who the hell are you? You'd would have done better with "Bitch, get in the car".
Gaylord Oaks: Okay. Get in the car... bitch.
Jake Hayes: [goofing around with Czech/English dictionary]
Roland Yates: What's he saying?
Officer Swanson: He said, "I haven't had my period in 3 months".
Jake Hayes: [continues stringing Czech words together]
Roland Yates: Now what?
Officer Swanson: "Where is the hospital, I have a vaginal infection."
Roland Yates: What's he saying?
Officer Swanson: He said, "I haven't had my period in 3 months".
Jake Hayes: [continues stringing Czech words together]
Roland Yates: Now what?
Officer Swanson: "Where is the hospital, I have a vaginal infection."
Gaylord Oaks: Did you see what happened there?
Jake Hayes: I got jacked!
Gaylord Oaks: No, you panicked. Your brain shut down. What's the good of having a brain if you won't use it?
Jake Hayes: My brain didn't shut down. I knew it was Swanson 'cause I could feel her tits on my back.
[Swanson takes off her mask, looking mad]
Jake Hayes: I knew it was Carew, because his breath smelled like shit, probably from kissing your ass so much!
[Carew takes off his mask, looking mad]
Jake Hayes: I knew it was Seale, 'cause I took his wallet. Hey Seale, why's a married man need a condom? Your wife know?
[Seale takes off his mask and snatches his wallet]
Jake Hayes: You want to know how I knew it was you?
Gaylord Oaks: Okay, that's enough. Thank you very much, goodnight.
Jake Hayes: I got jacked!
Gaylord Oaks: No, you panicked. Your brain shut down. What's the good of having a brain if you won't use it?
Jake Hayes: My brain didn't shut down. I knew it was Swanson 'cause I could feel her tits on my back.
[Swanson takes off her mask, looking mad]
Jake Hayes: I knew it was Carew, because his breath smelled like shit, probably from kissing your ass so much!
[Carew takes off his mask, looking mad]
Jake Hayes: I knew it was Seale, 'cause I took his wallet. Hey Seale, why's a married man need a condom? Your wife know?
[Seale takes off his mask and snatches his wallet]
Jake Hayes: You want to know how I knew it was you?
Gaylord Oaks: Okay, that's enough. Thank you very much, goodnight.
[playing chess in the park]
Jake Hayes: I'm going to do this. Then you're going to do this. Then I'm going to do this. Now you're going to want to do this, but I'm going to do this. And when you're thinking about doing this, I'm going to do this. And then the game is over. So what say you give me twenty dollars and we save twenty minutes?
Jake Hayes: I'm going to do this. Then you're going to do this. Then I'm going to do this. Now you're going to want to do this, but I'm going to do this. And when you're thinking about doing this, I'm going to do this. And then the game is over. So what say you give me twenty dollars and we save twenty minutes?
Roland Yates: So, what are our chances?
Gaylord Oaks: Oh, I'd say anywhere between... nil and zero.
Roland Yates: Why do you say that?
Gaylord Oaks: Oh well, I grant you he's got potential. He's pretty street-smart. Give me six months, he could probably fool his brother's own parents. But eight days? Come on, you gotta be kidding me. He'll probably get himself killed, and everyone who goes along with him.
Gaylord Oaks: Oh, I'd say anywhere between... nil and zero.
Roland Yates: Why do you say that?
Gaylord Oaks: Oh well, I grant you he's got potential. He's pretty street-smart. Give me six months, he could probably fool his brother's own parents. But eight days? Come on, you gotta be kidding me. He'll probably get himself killed, and everyone who goes along with him.
Roland Yates: Don't worry, son, there'll be extra money for this mission.
Jake Hayes: Hey, man, first of all, I'm not your son. Second of all, did it ever occur to you that I might want to do something 'cause it's the right thing? Hey, I'm the one with the dead brother, I'm the one who misses his girl, and I'm supposed to put up with your shit 'cause you're a spy? Big deal! Every woman on the planet's a spy! Man, you guys can't even find Saddam Hussein! You know, if you told a woman, right now at 8:00 in the morning, that her husband was sleeping with Saddam Hussein, she'd be able to find Saddam by 8:00 that night, and say "Saddam, don't you ever come around my house no more!" Hey, I did you a favor, OK? You called me! Now, if you ever talk down to me again, I will beat your ass so bad you'll be the only guy in heaven with a wheelchair. You better act right before you get smacked right, Bitch.
Jake Hayes: Hey, man, first of all, I'm not your son. Second of all, did it ever occur to you that I might want to do something 'cause it's the right thing? Hey, I'm the one with the dead brother, I'm the one who misses his girl, and I'm supposed to put up with your shit 'cause you're a spy? Big deal! Every woman on the planet's a spy! Man, you guys can't even find Saddam Hussein! You know, if you told a woman, right now at 8:00 in the morning, that her husband was sleeping with Saddam Hussein, she'd be able to find Saddam by 8:00 that night, and say "Saddam, don't you ever come around my house no more!" Hey, I did you a favor, OK? You called me! Now, if you ever talk down to me again, I will beat your ass so bad you'll be the only guy in heaven with a wheelchair. You better act right before you get smacked right, Bitch.
[after coming back from a meeting with Vas]
Gaylord Oaks: They put a transponder chip in the phone they gave you that tells them everywhere you went in the last two weeks. Which is why we switched the chips, so it wouldn't tell them you went to Langley.
Jake Hayes: And what if you hadn't?
Gaylord Oaks: They'd have shot both of us in the head. I'm feeling hungry, how about you?
Gaylord Oaks: They put a transponder chip in the phone they gave you that tells them everywhere you went in the last two weeks. Which is why we switched the chips, so it wouldn't tell them you went to Langley.
Jake Hayes: And what if you hadn't?
Gaylord Oaks: They'd have shot both of us in the head. I'm feeling hungry, how about you?
Gaylord Oaks: Did you know your brother died saving my life? I wish it had been the other way around, but there it is.
Jake Hayes: How are his parents taking it?
[silence]
Jake Hayes: You haven't told his parents. How would you feel if you died and nobody told your wife?
Gaylord Oaks: I'm not married.
Jake Hayes: What, there's no Mrs. Spy?
Gaylord Oaks: No, relationships and attachments are useless in this business.
Jake Hayes: So that's how it is. Even if they don't shoot you, they take your life.
Gaylord Oaks: I know it sounds hokey, but I honestly believe that our work is about something bigger than ourselves. We're offering you the chance to become part of that, find a purpose.
Jake Hayes: You ain't offering me nothing but a chance to get a bullet in my ass. I don't see the higher meaning in that.
Jake Hayes: How are his parents taking it?
[silence]
Jake Hayes: You haven't told his parents. How would you feel if you died and nobody told your wife?
Gaylord Oaks: I'm not married.
Jake Hayes: What, there's no Mrs. Spy?
Gaylord Oaks: No, relationships and attachments are useless in this business.
Jake Hayes: So that's how it is. Even if they don't shoot you, they take your life.
Gaylord Oaks: I know it sounds hokey, but I honestly believe that our work is about something bigger than ourselves. We're offering you the chance to become part of that, find a purpose.
Jake Hayes: You ain't offering me nothing but a chance to get a bullet in my ass. I don't see the higher meaning in that.
