Bachelorette Quotes
Three friends are asked to be bridesmaids at a wedding of a woman they used to ridicule back in high school.
Gena: I mean, I got this theory about blowjobs. If you wanna hear it.
Barely Attractive Guy: Yeah. Yeah, sure. Should be interesting.
Gena: I personally believe that blowjobs are an extremely delicate thing. You know? Like if you're ranking him on a scale of 1-10. Like 1 being blowing it kisses and 10 being I'm like, choking on semen. Vomit just everywhere. I think you gotta start off with 4's and with 5's. Just enough so that you know and I know exactly what I'm doing but with zero enthusiasm. I'm giving you nothing. Because then you'll just be like, alright fine I'll just fuck her. Cause if I start off with a 10 I got nowhere to go. Why are you gonna spend any time fucking me? You just came all over my face. So you start off small, right? Build. I'll give you a 6 after a fight when we're making up. An 8 when you spent a shitload of money on me or get me something that's a sweet gift or something. I'll do a full 8. Then I circle it back. Back to the 3's, the 4's, and 5's because that shit every time without fail makes the guy's dick alarm go off. You know what I mean when I say dick alarm.
Barely Attractive Guy: [laughing] Yeah.
Gena: Right? You're gonna be like, hey baby what's wrong with you? You're acting funny. Why so sad? When really what you're telling me is, goddamn it just suck my dick harder!
Barely Attractive Guy: So, um, let's just say what would merit a 10?
Gena: What's an example? I don't know. You're like on an airplane. You're going to a wedding for this girl you went to high school with and your ex-boyfriend who ruined your fucking life is gonna be there.
Barely Attractive Guy: Jerk.
Gena: All this pent up frustration sitting next to some dude you're never gonna see again. That would warrant a 10.
Barely Attractive Guy: Well, what about this guy?
[points to himself]
Gena: Oh no. I feel like I'll definitely see you again.
Barely Attractive Guy: Yeah. Yeah, sure. Should be interesting.
Gena: I personally believe that blowjobs are an extremely delicate thing. You know? Like if you're ranking him on a scale of 1-10. Like 1 being blowing it kisses and 10 being I'm like, choking on semen. Vomit just everywhere. I think you gotta start off with 4's and with 5's. Just enough so that you know and I know exactly what I'm doing but with zero enthusiasm. I'm giving you nothing. Because then you'll just be like, alright fine I'll just fuck her. Cause if I start off with a 10 I got nowhere to go. Why are you gonna spend any time fucking me? You just came all over my face. So you start off small, right? Build. I'll give you a 6 after a fight when we're making up. An 8 when you spent a shitload of money on me or get me something that's a sweet gift or something. I'll do a full 8. Then I circle it back. Back to the 3's, the 4's, and 5's because that shit every time without fail makes the guy's dick alarm go off. You know what I mean when I say dick alarm.
Barely Attractive Guy: [laughing] Yeah.
Gena: Right? You're gonna be like, hey baby what's wrong with you? You're acting funny. Why so sad? When really what you're telling me is, goddamn it just suck my dick harder!
Barely Attractive Guy: So, um, let's just say what would merit a 10?
Gena: What's an example? I don't know. You're like on an airplane. You're going to a wedding for this girl you went to high school with and your ex-boyfriend who ruined your fucking life is gonna be there.
Barely Attractive Guy: Jerk.
Gena: All this pent up frustration sitting next to some dude you're never gonna see again. That would warrant a 10.
Barely Attractive Guy: Well, what about this guy?
[points to himself]
Gena: Oh no. I feel like I'll definitely see you again.
Gena: Okay, listen to me. There are two different types of guys in bed. Number one, Brian Krakow. Didn't have sex 'til college, super grateful. Literally makes a home down here, sets up shop, wants to live in it. Number two, Jordan Catalano. Won't go near the ares. Terrified of it. Very good looking, but you know, not worth the time.
Katie: Once I was so stoned I thought I was in an episode of 90210, and I kept yelling "Dylan!".
Joe: Awesome! I got so fucked up once on shrooms that I started a fight club with my cats.
Katie: I once got so wrecked that I woke up naked next to a hamburger, and I was like "did I just have sex with a hamburger?"
Joe: Awesome! I got so fucked up once on shrooms that I started a fight club with my cats.
Katie: I once got so wrecked that I woke up naked next to a hamburger, and I was like "did I just have sex with a hamburger?"
Gena: [seeing the torn wedding dress out in the open] What are you doing? Why do you have the baby out of the garbage bag?
Regan: I'm matching the thread color to the dress.
Gena: [mockingly] Uh, it's a wedding dress. I think maybe it's white.
Katie: Oh, actually, it's ivory.
Regan: Actually, it's pearl.
Gena: OK. You know what? Knowing stuff like that does not make you guys cool. It makes you...
Regan: Amazing?
Katie: Gorgeous?
Regan: Incredible?
Katie: God blessed me with perfect tits, it's only right that people should know that?
Gena: I was gonna say it makes you stupid.
Regan: I'm matching the thread color to the dress.
Gena: [mockingly] Uh, it's a wedding dress. I think maybe it's white.
Katie: Oh, actually, it's ivory.
Regan: Actually, it's pearl.
Gena: OK. You know what? Knowing stuff like that does not make you guys cool. It makes you...
Regan: Amazing?
Katie: Gorgeous?
Regan: Incredible?
Katie: God blessed me with perfect tits, it's only right that people should know that?
Gena: I was gonna say it makes you stupid.
