Arsenic and Old Lace Quotes
A drama critic learns on his wedding day that his beloved maiden aunts are homicidal maniacs, and that insanity runs in his family.
[discussing the body count]
Dr. Einstein: You got twelve, they got twelve.
[angrily grabs Dr. Einstein's necktie]
Jonathan Brewster: I've got thirteen!
Dr. Einstein: No, Johnny, twelve - don't brag.
Jonathan Brewster: Thirteen! There's Mr. Spinalzo and the first one in London, two in Johannesburg, one in Sydney, one in Melbourne, two in San Francisco, one in Phoenix, Arizona...
Dr. Einstein: Phoenix?
Jonathan Brewster: The filling station...
Dr. Einstein: Filling station? Oh!
[slits throat]
Dr. Einstein: Yes.
Jonathan Brewster: Then three in Chicago and one in South Bend. That makes thirteen.
Dr. Einstein: You cannot count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia!
Jonathan Brewster: He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him!
Dr. Einstein: No, no, Johnny. You cannot count him. You got twelve, they got twelve. The old ladies is just as good as you are!
Dr. Einstein: You got twelve, they got twelve.
[angrily grabs Dr. Einstein's necktie]
Jonathan Brewster: I've got thirteen!
Dr. Einstein: No, Johnny, twelve - don't brag.
Jonathan Brewster: Thirteen! There's Mr. Spinalzo and the first one in London, two in Johannesburg, one in Sydney, one in Melbourne, two in San Francisco, one in Phoenix, Arizona...
Dr. Einstein: Phoenix?
Jonathan Brewster: The filling station...
Dr. Einstein: Filling station? Oh!
[slits throat]
Dr. Einstein: Yes.
Jonathan Brewster: Then three in Chicago and one in South Bend. That makes thirteen.
Dr. Einstein: You cannot count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia!
Jonathan Brewster: He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him!
Dr. Einstein: No, no, Johnny. You cannot count him. You got twelve, they got twelve. The old ladies is just as good as you are!
Mortimer Brewster: The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt.
Teddy Brewster: Code for Roosevelt?
Mortimer Brewster: Yes. Don't you see? Take the name Brewster, take away the B, and what have you got?
Teddy Brewster: Rooster!
Mortimer Brewster: Uh-huh. And what does a rooster do?
Teddy Brewster: Crows.
Mortimer Brewster: It crows. And where do you hunt in Africa?
Teddy Brewster: On the veldt!
Mortimer Brewster: There you are: crows - veldt!
Teddy Brewster: Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department.
Teddy Brewster: Code for Roosevelt?
Mortimer Brewster: Yes. Don't you see? Take the name Brewster, take away the B, and what have you got?
Teddy Brewster: Rooster!
Mortimer Brewster: Uh-huh. And what does a rooster do?
Teddy Brewster: Crows.
Mortimer Brewster: It crows. And where do you hunt in Africa?
Teddy Brewster: On the veldt!
Mortimer Brewster: There you are: crows - veldt!
Teddy Brewster: Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department.
Mortimer Brewster: Look, you can't do things like that! Now, I don't know how I can explain this to you. But, it's not only against the law, its wrong!
Martha Brewster: Oh, piffle!
Mortimer Brewster: It's not a nice thing to do. People wouldn't understand. He wouldn't understand. What I mean is... Well... This is developing into a very bad habit!
Martha Brewster: Oh, piffle!
Mortimer Brewster: It's not a nice thing to do. People wouldn't understand. He wouldn't understand. What I mean is... Well... This is developing into a very bad habit!
Police Sgt. Brophy: Look, Sergeant, I promised ya I wouldn't swear but what the he -
[stops, noticing the Reverend]
Police Sgt. Brophy: What's goin' on here anyway?
Reverend Harper: Oh, he's quite harmless.
Police Sgt. Brophy: Thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. So what? There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was.
[stops, noticing the Reverend]
Police Sgt. Brophy: What's goin' on here anyway?
Reverend Harper: Oh, he's quite harmless.
Police Sgt. Brophy: Thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. So what? There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was.
Mortimer Brewster: Look, Aunt Martha, men don't just get into window seats and die!
Abby Brewster: We know, dear. He died first.
Mortimer Brewster: Wait a minute! Stop all this. Now, look, darling, how did he die?
Abby Brewster: Oh, Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.
Mortimer Brewster: How did the poison get in the wine?
Martha Brewster: Well, we put it in wine, because it's less noticeable. When it's in tea, it has a distinct odor.
Mortimer Brewster: You mean, you... You put it in the wine!
Abby Brewster: Yes. And I put Mr. Hoskins in the window seat, because Reverend Harper was coming.
Mortimer Brewster: Now, look at me, darling. You mean, you mean you knew what you'd done and you didn't want the Reverend Harper to see the body?
Abby Brewster: Well, not at tea. That wouldn't have been very nice.
Mortimer Brewster: Oh, it's first-degree.
Abby Brewster: Now, Mortimer, you know all about it and just forget about it. I do think that Aunt Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets.
Abby Brewster: We know, dear. He died first.
Mortimer Brewster: Wait a minute! Stop all this. Now, look, darling, how did he die?
Abby Brewster: Oh, Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.
Mortimer Brewster: How did the poison get in the wine?
Martha Brewster: Well, we put it in wine, because it's less noticeable. When it's in tea, it has a distinct odor.
Mortimer Brewster: You mean, you... You put it in the wine!
Abby Brewster: Yes. And I put Mr. Hoskins in the window seat, because Reverend Harper was coming.
Mortimer Brewster: Now, look at me, darling. You mean, you mean you knew what you'd done and you didn't want the Reverend Harper to see the body?
Abby Brewster: Well, not at tea. That wouldn't have been very nice.
Mortimer Brewster: Oh, it's first-degree.
Abby Brewster: Now, Mortimer, you know all about it and just forget about it. I do think that Aunt Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets.
Mortimer Brewster: I saw a play last week, it had a character in it, reminded me of Jonathon.
Abby Brewster: Oh, really?
Mortimer Brewster: Yeah, a honey of a lunatic. One of those whodunits called "Murder Will Out".
Abby Brewster: Oh, dear!
Mortimer Brewster: Yeah, what a play. When the curtain goes up the first thing you see is a dead body. The next thing...
[opens the window seat and finds a dead body]
Abby Brewster: Oh, really?
Mortimer Brewster: Yeah, a honey of a lunatic. One of those whodunits called "Murder Will Out".
Abby Brewster: Oh, dear!
Mortimer Brewster: Yeah, what a play. When the curtain goes up the first thing you see is a dead body. The next thing...
[opens the window seat and finds a dead body]
Reverend Harper: Have you ever tried to persuade him that he wasn't Teddy Roosevelt?
Abby Brewster: Oh, no.
Martha Brewster: Oh, he's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.
Abby Brewster: Oh... Do you remember, Martha, once, a long time ago, we thought if he'd be George Washington, it might be a change for him, and we suggested it.
Martha Brewster: And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody.
Abby Brewster: Oh, no.
Martha Brewster: Oh, he's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.
Abby Brewster: Oh... Do you remember, Martha, once, a long time ago, we thought if he'd be George Washington, it might be a change for him, and we suggested it.
Martha Brewster: And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody.
Jonathan Brewster: Tonight, we are taking care of Mortimer.
Dr. Einstein: But, Johnny, not tonight. I'm sleepy. We'll do it tomorrow, or the next day.
Jonathan Brewster: Look at me, Doctor. You can see that it's got to be done, can't you?
Dr. Einstein: Yeah, I know that look.
Jonathan Brewster: It's a little late to dissolve our partnership.
Dr. Einstein: Okay, okay, Johnny. Okay, we'll do it. But the quick way, huh? The quick twist like in London.
Jonathan Brewster: No, Doctor. I think this calls for something special. I think, perhaps, the Melbourne method.
Dr. Einstein: [cringing] No! Not the Melbourne method, please! Two hours!
Dr. Einstein: But, Johnny, not tonight. I'm sleepy. We'll do it tomorrow, or the next day.
Jonathan Brewster: Look at me, Doctor. You can see that it's got to be done, can't you?
Dr. Einstein: Yeah, I know that look.
Jonathan Brewster: It's a little late to dissolve our partnership.
Dr. Einstein: Okay, okay, Johnny. Okay, we'll do it. But the quick way, huh? The quick twist like in London.
Jonathan Brewster: No, Doctor. I think this calls for something special. I think, perhaps, the Melbourne method.
Dr. Einstein: [cringing] No! Not the Melbourne method, please! Two hours!
Mortimer Brewster: Yeah, yeah, I know that bromide. Something borrowed, something blue - old, new! Rice and old shoes, carry you over the threshold, Niagara Falls - all the silly tripe I've made fun of for years. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you and that's that!
Elaine Harper: [Adoring] Yes, Mortimer.
Mortimer Brewster: What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? Aren't you going to make a scene?
Elaine Harper: [Adoring] No, Mortimer.
Mortimer Brewster: And don't "No, Mortimer" me either! Don't... Don't you see, marriage is a superstition, it... It's old-fashioned, it's... I... Ohhhh...
[He kisses her and hauls her into the marriage license office]
Elaine Harper: [Adoring] Yes, Mortimer.
Mortimer Brewster: What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? Aren't you going to make a scene?
Elaine Harper: [Adoring] No, Mortimer.
Mortimer Brewster: And don't "No, Mortimer" me either! Don't... Don't you see, marriage is a superstition, it... It's old-fashioned, it's... I... Ohhhh...
[He kisses her and hauls her into the marriage license office]
Martha Brewster: [about the men they have poisoned] Let me see, now. This is eleven, isn't it, Abby?
Abby Brewster: Oh, no, dear. This makes twelve.
Martha Brewster: Abby, dear. I think you're wrong. This one is only eleven.
Abby Brewster: No, dear, because I remember when Mr. Hoskins first came in, it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen.
Martha Brewster: But, Abby, dear. I really don't think you should count the first one.
Abby Brewster: Oh, I was counting the first one, and that makes it twelve.
Martha Brewster: It does? Well, she's probably right. Abby usually is. I get them mixed up sometimes.
Mortimer Brewster: Makes it twelve? Twelve.
Abby Brewster: Oh, no, dear. This makes twelve.
Martha Brewster: Abby, dear. I think you're wrong. This one is only eleven.
Abby Brewster: No, dear, because I remember when Mr. Hoskins first came in, it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen.
Martha Brewster: But, Abby, dear. I really don't think you should count the first one.
Abby Brewster: Oh, I was counting the first one, and that makes it twelve.
Martha Brewster: It does? Well, she's probably right. Abby usually is. I get them mixed up sometimes.
Mortimer Brewster: Makes it twelve? Twelve.
Jonathan Brewster: Teddy, I think it's time for you to go to bed.
Teddy Brewster: I beg your pardon. Who are you?
Jonathan Brewster: I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed!
Teddy Brewster: No, you're not Wilson, but you're face is familiar. Let me see. You're not anyone I know now - perhaps later on my hunting trip to Africa. Yes, you look like someone I might meet in the jungle.
Teddy Brewster: I beg your pardon. Who are you?
Jonathan Brewster: I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed!
Teddy Brewster: No, you're not Wilson, but you're face is familiar. Let me see. You're not anyone I know now - perhaps later on my hunting trip to Africa. Yes, you look like someone I might meet in the jungle.
Teddy Brewster: Gentlemen, what news have you brought me?
Police Sgt. Brophy: [salutes] Colonel, we have nothing to report.
Officer Patrick O'Hara: Huh?
[Brophy elbows him and he salutes also]
Officer Patrick O'Hara: Oh, no! Absolutely nothing to report!
Teddy Brewster: Splendid. Thank you, gentlemen. At ease.
Police Sgt. Brophy: [salutes] Colonel, we have nothing to report.
Officer Patrick O'Hara: Huh?
[Brophy elbows him and he salutes also]
Officer Patrick O'Hara: Oh, no! Absolutely nothing to report!
Teddy Brewster: Splendid. Thank you, gentlemen. At ease.
Mortimer Brewster: Now look, darling, how did he die?
Abby Brewster: Oh, Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.
Mortimer Brewster: Well, how did the poison get in the wine?
Martha Brewster: Well, we put in wine because it's less noticeable. When it's in tea it has a distinct odor.
Abby Brewster: Oh, Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.
Mortimer Brewster: Well, how did the poison get in the wine?
Martha Brewster: Well, we put in wine because it's less noticeable. When it's in tea it has a distinct odor.
Mortimer Brewster: But there's a body in the window seat!
Aunt Abby: Yes, dear, we know.
Mortimer Brewster: You know?
Martha Brewster: Of course!
Aunt Abby: Yes, but it has nothing to do with Teddy. Now, Mortimer, you just forget about it. Forget you ever saw the gentleman.
Mortimer Brewster: Forget?
Aunt Abby: We never dreamed you'd peek.
Mortimer Brewster: What the...?
Aunt Abby: Yes, dear, we know.
Mortimer Brewster: You know?
Martha Brewster: Of course!
Aunt Abby: Yes, but it has nothing to do with Teddy. Now, Mortimer, you just forget about it. Forget you ever saw the gentleman.
Mortimer Brewster: Forget?
Aunt Abby: We never dreamed you'd peek.
Mortimer Brewster: What the...?
[to Mortimer]
Elaine Harper: We were married today. We were going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Your brother tries to kill me. A taxi is waiting and now you want to sleep on a window seat. You can take the honeymoon, your wedding ring, your taxi, your window seat, and put 'em in a barrel and push 'em all over Niagara Falls!
Elaine Harper: We were married today. We were going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Your brother tries to kill me. A taxi is waiting and now you want to sleep on a window seat. You can take the honeymoon, your wedding ring, your taxi, your window seat, and put 'em in a barrel and push 'em all over Niagara Falls!
Jonathan Brewster: Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves. May I present Dr. Einstein.
Elaine Harper: Dr. Einstein?
Jonathan Brewster: A surgeon of great distinction... and something of a magician.
Elaine Harper: Now, I suppose you're going to tell me that you're Boris Kar...
Jonathan Brewster: I am Jonathan Brewster!
Elaine Harper: Dr. Einstein?
Jonathan Brewster: A surgeon of great distinction... and something of a magician.
Elaine Harper: Now, I suppose you're going to tell me that you're Boris Kar...
Jonathan Brewster: I am Jonathan Brewster!
Mortimer Brewster: [on the telephone] Yes, operator, I'd like the Happy Dale Sanatorium, Happy Dale, New York. Come on, operator, what's taking so long? They're just across the river. I could swim it faster! No, I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry. I want the Happy Dale Sanatorium. Sanatorium, sanatorium, sanatorium. Yes, yes, like a broken record. Hello - what? They're busy? Busy? Look, they're busy and you're dizzy. No, I am not drunk, madam, but you've given me an idea.
[throws down the phone in disgust]
[throws down the phone in disgust]
Elaine Harper: Now, wait a minute! Listen! You can't marry me one minute and throw me out of the house the next.
Mortimer Brewster: I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here?
[pushes her out and slams the door; Mr. Gibbs is standing on the porch holding a newspaper]
Elaine Harper: Mortimer!
Mortimer Brewster: [picks up the phone] I'm sorry, Judge. But a thing happened. Look, Judge... About Teddy... you see, he's...
Elaine Harper: Mortimer!
Mortimer Brewster: [into the phone] You see, Judge, it's his bugle blowing. Yes, the neighbors have been complaining, and the police are all set to throw him into a state institution.
Elaine Harper: How do you like that...
Mr. Gibbs: I read an ad here about a room to rent...
Elaine Harper: Oh, shut up!
Mortimer Brewster: I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here?
[pushes her out and slams the door; Mr. Gibbs is standing on the porch holding a newspaper]
Elaine Harper: Mortimer!
Mortimer Brewster: [picks up the phone] I'm sorry, Judge. But a thing happened. Look, Judge... About Teddy... you see, he's...
Elaine Harper: Mortimer!
Mortimer Brewster: [into the phone] You see, Judge, it's his bugle blowing. Yes, the neighbors have been complaining, and the police are all set to throw him into a state institution.
Elaine Harper: How do you like that...
Mr. Gibbs: I read an ad here about a room to rent...
Elaine Harper: Oh, shut up!
