Anger Management Quotes
Dave Buznik is a businessman who is wrongly sentenced to an anger-management program, where he meets an aggressive instructor.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Let me explain something to you, Dave. There are two kinds of angry people in this world: explosive and implosive. Explosive is the kind of individual you see screaming at the cashier for not taking their coupons. Implosive is the cashier who remains quiet day after day and finally shoots everyone in the store. You're the cashier.
Dave Buznik: No, no, no. I'm the guy hiding in the frozen food section dialling 911. I swear.
Dave Buznik: No, no, no. I'm the guy hiding in the frozen food section dialling 911. I swear.
Lou: So my boss, he was talking to me about how many sick days I've taken. And I was like, you know 'Don't go there,' you know. But he kept on about wanting to see some kind of a doctor's note or something. And I said 'Look, I'm seriously serious. You *don't* want to go there. He kept talking and talking and being such a nag, and I just *blacked out.* I blacked out. And I woke up, and I was standing over him and I was screaming "I told you not to go there! I told you not to go there!"
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Nate, didn't we decide that you shouldn't listen to the ballgame?
Nate: Don't worry, Doctor B. It's just a regular season game. Not that important. See, Iverson just missed a layup at the buzzer, Sixers lose. Who gives a crap, huh? I mean it's just a silly game anyways.
[his face scrunches up]
Nate: Ooooohhhh the anger sharks are swimming in my head! YOU GOTTA DUNK THAT SHIT! YOU GOTTA DUNK THAT SHIT!
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Stay with me. Stay with me. Repeat after me. Goosefraba.
Nate: Gooooose... blah blah
Dr. Buddy Rydell: No, not blah blah, Nate. Goosefraba.
Nate: Don't worry, Doctor B. It's just a regular season game. Not that important. See, Iverson just missed a layup at the buzzer, Sixers lose. Who gives a crap, huh? I mean it's just a silly game anyways.
[his face scrunches up]
Nate: Ooooohhhh the anger sharks are swimming in my head! YOU GOTTA DUNK THAT SHIT! YOU GOTTA DUNK THAT SHIT!
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Stay with me. Stay with me. Repeat after me. Goosefraba.
Nate: Gooooose... blah blah
Dr. Buddy Rydell: No, not blah blah, Nate. Goosefraba.
Dave Buznik: Kendra, even though I'd love to see you take that bra off because it represents a team I've hated my entire life, you gotta keep it on.
Kendra: Why?
Dave Buznik: Because I've got a girlfriend.
Kendra: [she becomes angry] I'm not a child Dave. If you think I'm a porker, then just come right out and say it.
Dave Buznik: No no no, I don't think you're a porker.
Kendra: Well then why when the idea of sleeping with me comes up, you all of a sudden have "a girlfriend."
Dave Buznik: Because I do, I do. I do have a girlfriend.
Kendra: Said the liar to the beached whale!
Dave Buznik: You're not a beached whale! If anything, you could even afford to gain a few pounds.
Kendra: Oh, so now I'm too skinny for you?
Dave Buznik: No, no, no, no I didn't mean that.
Kendra: Is this what you want, Dave?
[stuffs her face with brownies]
Kendra: If I put on a few pounds, would you be able to stifle your vomit long enough to have sex with me?
Dave Buznik: Holy shit.
Kendra: Why?
Dave Buznik: Because I've got a girlfriend.
Kendra: [she becomes angry] I'm not a child Dave. If you think I'm a porker, then just come right out and say it.
Dave Buznik: No no no, I don't think you're a porker.
Kendra: Well then why when the idea of sleeping with me comes up, you all of a sudden have "a girlfriend."
Dave Buznik: Because I do, I do. I do have a girlfriend.
Kendra: Said the liar to the beached whale!
Dave Buznik: You're not a beached whale! If anything, you could even afford to gain a few pounds.
Kendra: Oh, so now I'm too skinny for you?
Dave Buznik: No, no, no, no I didn't mean that.
Kendra: Is this what you want, Dave?
[stuffs her face with brownies]
Kendra: If I put on a few pounds, would you be able to stifle your vomit long enough to have sex with me?
Dave Buznik: Holy shit.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: So, Dave. Tell us about yourself. Who are you?
Dave Buznik: Well, I'm an executive assistant for a major pet products company.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: [interupts him] Dave, I don't want you to tell us what you do. I want you to tell us who you are.
Dave Buznik: Oh, alright, um... I'm a pretty good guy. I like playing tennis on occasion.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Also, not your hobbies Dave. Just tell us who you are.
Dave Buznik: [stumped] Maybe you could give me an example of what a good answer would be? Um...
[to Lou]
Dave Buznik: What did you say?
[the group laughs]
Dr. Buddy Rydell: You want Lou to tell you who you are?
Dave Buznik: No, I just, uh... I'm a nice, easy going man, I might be a little indecisive at times...
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Dave, you're describing your personality. I just want to know... who you are.
Dave Buznik: [snaps] I don't know what the hell you want me to say!
[the room falls silent]
Dave Buznik: Well, I'm an executive assistant for a major pet products company.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: [interupts him] Dave, I don't want you to tell us what you do. I want you to tell us who you are.
Dave Buznik: Oh, alright, um... I'm a pretty good guy. I like playing tennis on occasion.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Also, not your hobbies Dave. Just tell us who you are.
Dave Buznik: [stumped] Maybe you could give me an example of what a good answer would be? Um...
[to Lou]
Dave Buznik: What did you say?
[the group laughs]
Dr. Buddy Rydell: You want Lou to tell you who you are?
Dave Buznik: No, I just, uh... I'm a nice, easy going man, I might be a little indecisive at times...
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Dave, you're describing your personality. I just want to know... who you are.
Dave Buznik: [snaps] I don't know what the hell you want me to say!
[the room falls silent]
Stacy: Uh, we're in the adult film industry, and, we're lovers.
Gina: Yeah.
Stacy: So Gina was having sex with this guy Meelo which was totally cool cause it was in the script.
Gina: So we invited him back to the house because we like a little variety...
Stacy: I look up and see Gina kissing Meelo on the MOUTH which is not cool, because it violates our threesome code of ethics!
Gina: So Stacy bit my toe off.
Stacy: Then Meelo starts yelling, calling me a crazy skank...
Gina: And nobody talks to my bitch that way.
Stacy: That's right.
Gina: So I stapled his lip SHUT.
Dave Buznik: Well, we've all... been there.
Gina: Yeah.
Stacy: So Gina was having sex with this guy Meelo which was totally cool cause it was in the script.
Gina: So we invited him back to the house because we like a little variety...
Stacy: I look up and see Gina kissing Meelo on the MOUTH which is not cool, because it violates our threesome code of ethics!
Gina: So Stacy bit my toe off.
Stacy: Then Meelo starts yelling, calling me a crazy skank...
Gina: And nobody talks to my bitch that way.
Stacy: That's right.
Gina: So I stapled his lip SHUT.
Dave Buznik: Well, we've all... been there.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Dave assaulted a female flight attendant in mid-air.
Stacy: Nice.
Gina: I bet you beat her good.
Dave Buznik: I didn't beat anybody. I touched a woman...
Chuck: Liar, bullshitter, you're a WOMAN BEATER! And you can't admit it, because you're a deluded piece of garbage!
Dave Buznik: I don't know about all that but... now I know why you're here.
Stacy: Nice.
Gina: I bet you beat her good.
Dave Buznik: I didn't beat anybody. I touched a woman...
Chuck: Liar, bullshitter, you're a WOMAN BEATER! And you can't admit it, because you're a deluded piece of garbage!
Dave Buznik: I don't know about all that but... now I know why you're here.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Now then we need to go over some ground rules. You are to refrain from any any acts of violence including verbal assault and vulgar hand gestures. You may not use rage enhancing substances, such as caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, crack cocaine, slippy-flippy's, jelly stingers, trick sticks, bing bangs or flying willards.
Dave Buznik: How about fiddle-faddles?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Under my supervision. Also, if you are unable to stop masturbating, please do so without the use of any pornographic images depicting quote, unquote 'angry sex.' That having been said, I'm a pretty good guy and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised how much fun we can have together.
Dave Buznik: Geez, without slippy-flippies or angry masturbating I don't see how that's possible.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin, Dave. From now on, unacceptable.
Dave Buznik: How about fiddle-faddles?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Under my supervision. Also, if you are unable to stop masturbating, please do so without the use of any pornographic images depicting quote, unquote 'angry sex.' That having been said, I'm a pretty good guy and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised how much fun we can have together.
Dave Buznik: Geez, without slippy-flippies or angry masturbating I don't see how that's possible.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin, Dave. From now on, unacceptable.
Dave Buznik: Oh my goodness. Bobby Knight. You're in this group?
Bobby Knight: Yea, this is my first day.
Dave Buznik: It's my first day also.
Bobby Knight: I hope this class cures me.
Dave Buznik: Working on the anger problem?
Bobby Knight: Anger? Isn't this sexaholics anonymous?
Dave Buznik: Oh. No I think that's down the hall.
Bobby Knight: [throws his book down] Well to HELL WITH THIS! I'm going home!
Bobby Knight: Yea, this is my first day.
Dave Buznik: It's my first day also.
Bobby Knight: I hope this class cures me.
Dave Buznik: Working on the anger problem?
Bobby Knight: Anger? Isn't this sexaholics anonymous?
Dave Buznik: Oh. No I think that's down the hall.
Bobby Knight: [throws his book down] Well to HELL WITH THIS! I'm going home!
[Dave is on the phone with his lawyer when a female co-worker walks into the stall Dave is sitting in]
Dave Buznik: Hi Nancy.
Nancy: What are you doing in the ladies room Dave?
Dave Buznik: I heard you have cleaner seats than we do, so I wanted to see for myself.
Nancy: Not after I'm through with them.
Dave Buznik: Hi Nancy.
Nancy: What are you doing in the ladies room Dave?
Dave Buznik: I heard you have cleaner seats than we do, so I wanted to see for myself.
Nancy: Not after I'm through with them.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: So Peanut likes the spicy humor. Maybe he'd enjoy the knee-slapper you told me earlier about the great Buddha.
Older Arnie Shankman: Oh, what did you say about Buddha?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Dave said, "How does a guy who weighs over six hundred pounds have the balls to teach people about self-discipline?"
Older Arnie Shankman: Oh, what did you say about Buddha?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Dave said, "How does a guy who weighs over six hundred pounds have the balls to teach people about self-discipline?"
Dr. Buddy Rydell: I want you to approach Miss Thing again...
Dave Buznik: No!
Dr. Buddy Rydell: ...with confidence! And if she says no this time, I will admit that I am a failure as a therapist and I will release you from my program.
Dave Buznik: You'll release me from your program
[Buddy nods]
Dave Buznik: Okay...
Dr. Buddy Rydell: [They stand up] Just go over there and repeat the following verbatim. "I'm sorry I was so rude before but it's difficult for me to express myself when I am on the verge of exploding in my pants."
Dave Buznik: Huh?
[They sit down]
Dave Buznik: Get outta here.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Trust me Dave. If you were calm as well as witty, she will respond.
Dave Buznik: I think witty went out the window with that whole pants-explosion thing.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: My offer stands.
Dave Buznik: So if I repeat that crazy shit you probably stole from a porno flick, you sick bastard, and get rejected, you'll release me from the program?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Exactly.
Dave Buznik: No!
Dr. Buddy Rydell: ...with confidence! And if she says no this time, I will admit that I am a failure as a therapist and I will release you from my program.
Dave Buznik: You'll release me from your program
[Buddy nods]
Dave Buznik: Okay...
Dr. Buddy Rydell: [They stand up] Just go over there and repeat the following verbatim. "I'm sorry I was so rude before but it's difficult for me to express myself when I am on the verge of exploding in my pants."
Dave Buznik: Huh?
[They sit down]
Dave Buznik: Get outta here.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Trust me Dave. If you were calm as well as witty, she will respond.
Dave Buznik: I think witty went out the window with that whole pants-explosion thing.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: My offer stands.
Dave Buznik: So if I repeat that crazy shit you probably stole from a porno flick, you sick bastard, and get rejected, you'll release me from the program?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Exactly.
