And Now for Something Completely Different Quotes
An anthology of Monty Python's best sketches from their 1st & 2nd seasons of their original TV show.
Hungarian man: [consulting phrase book] I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Tobacconist: What?
Hungarian man: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Tobacconist: No, no, this is a tobacconist.
Hungarian man: Ah! I will not buy this tobacconist, *it* is scratched!
Tobacconist: No, no, tobacco... cigarettes.
Hungarian man: Cigarettes? Ya ya.
[consulting phrase book]
Hungarian man: Ah... my hovercraft is full of eels.
Tobacconist: What?
Hungarian man: My hovercraft is full of eels.
Tobacconist: Matches?
Hungarian man: Ya ya! Do you want... do you want... to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?
Tobacconist: That will be six shillings, please.
Hungarian man: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me... I am no longer infected.
Tobacconist: What?
Hungarian man: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Tobacconist: No, no, this is a tobacconist.
Hungarian man: Ah! I will not buy this tobacconist, *it* is scratched!
Tobacconist: No, no, tobacco... cigarettes.
Hungarian man: Cigarettes? Ya ya.
[consulting phrase book]
Hungarian man: Ah... my hovercraft is full of eels.
Tobacconist: What?
Hungarian man: My hovercraft is full of eels.
Tobacconist: Matches?
Hungarian man: Ya ya! Do you want... do you want... to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?
Tobacconist: That will be six shillings, please.
Hungarian man: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me... I am no longer infected.
Interviewer: I didn't really call you "Eddie Baby", did I, sweetie?
Sir Edward Ross: Don't call me "Sweetie"!
Interviewer: Can I call you "Sugarplum"?
Sir Edward Ross: No!
Interviewer: Pussycat?
Sir Edward Ross: No!
Interviewer: Angel Drawers?
Sir Edward Ross: No, you may not! Now get on with it.
Interviewer: Can I call you Frank?
Sir Edward Ross: Why Frank?
Interviewer: Frank's a nice name. President Nixon's got a hedgehog called Frank.
Sir Edward Ross: What is going on?
Interviewer: Frank, Frankie, Fran, Frannie... little Frannie boo...
Sir Edward Ross: Don't call me "Sweetie"!
Interviewer: Can I call you "Sugarplum"?
Sir Edward Ross: No!
Interviewer: Pussycat?
Sir Edward Ross: No!
Interviewer: Angel Drawers?
Sir Edward Ross: No, you may not! Now get on with it.
Interviewer: Can I call you Frank?
Sir Edward Ross: Why Frank?
Interviewer: Frank's a nice name. President Nixon's got a hedgehog called Frank.
Sir Edward Ross: What is going on?
Interviewer: Frank, Frankie, Fran, Frannie... little Frannie boo...
Customer: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Customer: "VOOM"? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! 'E's pining!
Customer: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!
Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Customer: "VOOM"? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! 'E's pining!
Customer: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!
Bevis: I didn't want to do this, you know. I wanted to be a lumberjack!
Mr. Praline: Yes, this is irrelevant.
Bevis: Yes! A lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The smell of fresh cut timber! The giant redwood! The larch! The fir! The mighty Scots pine! With my best girlie by my side, we'd sing... sing... sing!
[sings]
Bevis: I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK/I sleep all night and I work all day.
Mounties Chorus: He's a lumberjack and he's OK/He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Bevis: I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory/On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea.
Mounties Chorus: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatory/On Wednesdays he goes shopping and has buttered scones for tea./He's a lumberjack and he's OK/He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Bevis: I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wildflowers/I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars.
Mounties Chorus: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press widlflowers.
[uneasily]
Mounties Chorus: He puts on... women's... clothing? And hangs around... in... bars?
[bright as ever]
Mounties Chorus: He's a lumberjack and he's OK/He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Bevis: I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra/I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa.
Mounties Chorus: He cuts down trees, he wears... high... heels? Suspenders? And a... bra? Ugghhh...
[they storm off]
Bevis: I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa!
Best Girl: Oh, Bevis! And I though you were so butch!
Mr. Praline: Yes, this is irrelevant.
Bevis: Yes! A lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The smell of fresh cut timber! The giant redwood! The larch! The fir! The mighty Scots pine! With my best girlie by my side, we'd sing... sing... sing!
[sings]
Bevis: I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK/I sleep all night and I work all day.
Mounties Chorus: He's a lumberjack and he's OK/He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Bevis: I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory/On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea.
Mounties Chorus: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatory/On Wednesdays he goes shopping and has buttered scones for tea./He's a lumberjack and he's OK/He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Bevis: I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wildflowers/I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars.
Mounties Chorus: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press widlflowers.
[uneasily]
Mounties Chorus: He puts on... women's... clothing? And hangs around... in... bars?
[bright as ever]
Mounties Chorus: He's a lumberjack and he's OK/He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Bevis: I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra/I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa.
Mounties Chorus: He cuts down trees, he wears... high... heels? Suspenders? And a... bra? Ugghhh...
[they storm off]
Bevis: I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa!
Best Girl: Oh, Bevis! And I though you were so butch!
Sergeant-Major: Squad... CAMP it UP!
[soldiers all chant in unison while mincing about]
Soldiers: Ooh get her! Whoops, I've got your number ducky, you couldn't afford me dear, two three. I'll scratch your eyes out! Don't come the Brigadier bit with us dear, we all know where you've been, you military fairy. Two, three, one, two, three, four, five, six. Whoops! Don't look now girls, the man has just minced in with that jolly colour Sergeant, two three. OOOOH!
Sergeant-Major: [walks on] Right now! Stop that! Silly. And a bit suspect, I think. Time for a cartoon.
[soldiers all chant in unison while mincing about]
Soldiers: Ooh get her! Whoops, I've got your number ducky, you couldn't afford me dear, two three. I'll scratch your eyes out! Don't come the Brigadier bit with us dear, we all know where you've been, you military fairy. Two, three, one, two, three, four, five, six. Whoops! Don't look now girls, the man has just minced in with that jolly colour Sergeant, two three. OOOOH!
Sergeant-Major: [walks on] Right now! Stop that! Silly. And a bit suspect, I think. Time for a cartoon.
Worker 1: [man falls past window] Did you see that?
Worker 2: Hmm?
Worker 1: Somebody just went past that window, downwards!
Worker 2: Oh.
Worker 1: [imitating Worker 2] Oh!
[another man falls]
Worker 1: Another one!
Worker 2: Hmm?
Worker 1: Two people have just fallen past that window!
Worker 2: Oh.
Worker 1: Look, two people
[another man falls]
Worker 1: , three people have just fallen past that window!
Worker 2: Must be a board meeting.
Worker 1: Oh, yeah.
[another man falls]
Worker 1: That was Wilkins, of finance.
Worker 2: No, that was Robertson.
Worker 1: Wilkins!
Worker 2: It was Robertson!
Worker 1: [another man falls] That was Wilkins.
Worker 2: Oh, yeah.
Worker 1: Be Parkinson next.
Worker 2: I bet you it won't.
Worker 1: How much? How much do you bet it won't? Fiver? Right. Done. You're on. Parkinson next. Come on, Parky!
Worker 2: Don't be silly, Parky.
Worker 1: Come on, Parkinson!
Worker 2: Don't be stupid, man!
Worker 1: Come on, man, jump!
Voice: [reading a letter] Dear sir, I would like to complain about that last scene about people falling off tall buildings. I myself have worked all my life in such a building,
[resumes writing]
Voice: and... have... never... once... AAHHHH!
[he falls off]
Worker 2: Hmm?
Worker 1: Somebody just went past that window, downwards!
Worker 2: Oh.
Worker 1: [imitating Worker 2] Oh!
[another man falls]
Worker 1: Another one!
Worker 2: Hmm?
Worker 1: Two people have just fallen past that window!
Worker 2: Oh.
Worker 1: Look, two people
[another man falls]
Worker 1: , three people have just fallen past that window!
Worker 2: Must be a board meeting.
Worker 1: Oh, yeah.
[another man falls]
Worker 1: That was Wilkins, of finance.
Worker 2: No, that was Robertson.
Worker 1: Wilkins!
Worker 2: It was Robertson!
Worker 1: [another man falls] That was Wilkins.
Worker 2: Oh, yeah.
Worker 1: Be Parkinson next.
Worker 2: I bet you it won't.
Worker 1: How much? How much do you bet it won't? Fiver? Right. Done. You're on. Parkinson next. Come on, Parky!
Worker 2: Don't be silly, Parky.
Worker 1: Come on, Parkinson!
Worker 2: Don't be stupid, man!
Worker 1: Come on, man, jump!
Voice: [reading a letter] Dear sir, I would like to complain about that last scene about people falling off tall buildings. I myself have worked all my life in such a building,
[resumes writing]
Voice: and... have... never... once... AAHHHH!
[he falls off]
Self-Defense teacher: Now, it's quite simple to deal with a banana fiend. First, you force him to drop the banana. Then, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless!
Self-Defense student #2: Suppose he's got a bunch?
Self-Defense teacher: SHUT UP!
Self-Defense student #4: Suppose he's got a pointed stick?
Self-Defense teacher: ...SHUT UP!
Self-Defense student #2: Suppose he's got a bunch?
Self-Defense teacher: SHUT UP!
Self-Defense student #4: Suppose he's got a pointed stick?
Self-Defense teacher: ...SHUT UP!
[a vicar is attacked by keep-left signs]
Sergeant-Major: Right! Stop that! It's SILLY. Very SILLY indeed! Started off as a nice little idea about old ladies attacking young men, but now it's just got SILLY! His hair's too long for a vicar, too, and you can tell those are not proper keep-left signs! CLEAR OUT, THE LOT OF YOU!
[the vicar and the keep-left signs depart]
Sergeant-Major: Right! Stop that! It's SILLY. Very SILLY indeed! Started off as a nice little idea about old ladies attacking young men, but now it's just got SILLY! His hair's too long for a vicar, too, and you can tell those are not proper keep-left signs! CLEAR OUT, THE LOT OF YOU!
[the vicar and the keep-left signs depart]
[first lines]
Announcer: In this picture, there are forty-seven people. None of them can be seen. In this film, we hope to show you how not to be seen. This is Mr E.R. Bradshaw of Napier Court, Black Lion Road, London, SE14. He cannot be seen. Now I'm going to ask him to stand up. Mr Bradshaw, will you stand up, please?
[Mr Bradshaw stands up and is shot]
Announcer: This demonstrates the value of not being seen.
Announcer: In this picture, there are forty-seven people. None of them can be seen. In this film, we hope to show you how not to be seen. This is Mr E.R. Bradshaw of Napier Court, Black Lion Road, London, SE14. He cannot be seen. Now I'm going to ask him to stand up. Mr Bradshaw, will you stand up, please?
[Mr Bradshaw stands up and is shot]
Announcer: This demonstrates the value of not being seen.
[we see a bush in the middle of a field]
Announcer: This is Mr Nesbitt of Harlow New Town. Mr Nesbitt, will you stand up, please?
[nothing happens]
Announcer: Mr Nesbitt has learned the first lesson of not being seen: not to stand up. However, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.
[the bush blows up]
Announcer: This is Mr Nesbitt of Harlow New Town. Mr Nesbitt, will you stand up, please?
[nothing happens]
Announcer: Mr Nesbitt has learned the first lesson of not being seen: not to stand up. However, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.
[the bush blows up]
Mungo the Cook: You bastards! You vicious, heartless bastards! Look what you've done to him! He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is, and you come in with your petty feeble quibbling and you grind him into the dirt, this fine, honorable man, whose boots you are not worthy to kiss! Oh... it makes me mad...
[Slams cleaver into the table]
Mungo the Cook: Mad! Stark, stirring... MAD!
[Slams cleaver into the table]
Mungo the Cook: Mad! Stark, stirring... MAD!
Sergeant-Major: Now, I would just like to point out that this film is displaying a distinct tendency to become SILLY. Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do... except, perhaps my wife... and some of her friends. Oh, yes, and Captain Johnson. Come to think of it, most people like a good laugh more than I do, but that's beside the point! I'm warning this film NOT to get SILLY again! Right!
Sergeant-Major: Now, Director, when I say "Cut", cut to the next sketch. Director...
Announcer: [speaking over start of a new sketch; camera pans across city view] This is a frightened city...
Sergeant-Major: [interrupting] Wait for it!
[camera snaps back to starting position and cut to the Major]
Sergeant-Major: Director, Cut!
Announcer: [sketch starts again] This is a frightened city...
Announcer: [speaking over start of a new sketch; camera pans across city view] This is a frightened city...
Sergeant-Major: [interrupting] Wait for it!
[camera snaps back to starting position and cut to the Major]
Sergeant-Major: Director, Cut!
Announcer: [sketch starts again] This is a frightened city...
