According to Jim

According to Jim Quotes

A TV show centered around macho everyman, his loving wife, and their three precocious children.

Jim: Everyone, circumcise your watches!
Cheryl: [on Jim's behavior] He's brilliant. He's pretending to be a moron to cover up being a jackass.
Jim: You don't even know me any more! I think we should have more sex.
Cheryl: Why?
Jim: Why not?
Ruby: Daddy, since Gracie won, can Kyle and I have popsicles?
Jim: How does that work?
Ruby: She's our sister, we're part of her posse.
Jim: [under his breath] That's the great thing about you, honey... you remember every freakin' thing I say.
Cheryl: [Cheryl is desperate to talk Jim out of wanting something, and is trying to think of things to replace it] How about... sex with another woman?
Jim: [brief pause] You or me?
Dana: I'm trying my best to stay neutral, like Switzerland
Cheryl: You mean creepy Switzerland that hid nazi money?
Dana: No, I mean fun Switzerland with the watches, and the chocolate
Gracie: Trophies are stupid and all the others are nerds. It's like being with 50 other Uncle Andys.
Gracie: How do you knock someone up?
Cheryl: Well, you know how you knock someone down. Well, it's the opposite of that.
Gracie: [to Ruby] Hey, let's go knock Kyle up!
Cheryl: Jim, are you listening to yourself?
Jim: Yes I am, Cheryl. I *am* a genius. I can talk and listen to myself at the same time!
Jim: Do you want Cheryl to make you a sandwich?
Dana: I don't think that'll help, Jim.
Jim: [pause] Do you want to make *me* a sandwich...?
Kyle: I want a sponge bath, from a nurse.
Cheryl: What?
Kyle: Uncle Andy says there the best!
Jim: I think sometimes Andy forgets that Kyle's in the back seat.
Dana: [whilst dancing with Andy] Wow, Andy, it's like someone connected your legs to your brain.
Andy: [telling Jim that he's found the bird they didn't want to find] Jim! B-I-R-D A-T S-I-X O-'-C-L-O-C-K!
Jim: [confused] ... You want to have sex with a clock?
Andy: I once walked in on my grandparents doing it. I mean, Grandpa's in his 70's, but he was really putting Nana through her paces.
Jim: OK, I stacked the cat in the freezer.
Dana: [to Cheryl] You're cake angry. You didn't sound cake angry on the phone.
Dana: [to Cheryl] If your gonna cry for anyone, cry for me. I'm the one who's gonna have to babysit a fourth kid for free one day.
Cheryl: Jim, there's a lot of culture in this city. We should take advantage of it.
Jim: What? I take you to the zoo.
Dana: [trying to distract their mother] Mom, I, uh... I kissed a girl in college!
Andy: Uh... me too!
Maggie: Andy, don't tell stories.

Popular TV Shows view all

Game of Thrones Breaking Bad The Wire Sherlock Rick and Morty Ash vs Evil Dead True Detective The Sopranos Leyla ile Mecnun Last Week Tonight with John Oliver Avatar: The Last Airbender Narcos