8 Simple Rules... for Dating My Teenage Daughter Quotes
The Hennessy clan -- mother Cate, daughters Bridget and Kerry, and son Rory -- look to one another for guidance and support after the death of Paul, the family patriarch. Cate's parents lend a hand.
Cate: [reading Paul's last article] Okay readers, today we're having a little pop quiz, it's multiple choice, so sharpen your number 2 pencils and put your thinking caps on. Ready? Here's a quote: "Dad, you're an idiot." Now, contestants, this was said to me because of which of the following transgressions? A: Coming to the breakfast table wearing pajamas and black socks? B: Asking my oldest daughter if that guy I saw her talking to yesterday at school was her boyfriend? C: Referring to rapper Fiddy Cent as "Fifty Cents"? or D: Entering the room? Okay, pencils down. Actually it was a trick question. The answer is all of the above. Now do you know how many times I called my father an idiot? Zero. Why? Because I feared him. Back then we didn't share our deep personal feelings, our deepest conversations usually revolved around the tigers bull pen. But my kids, I can't get them to shut up! There's not a feeling that my kids are afraid to express over and over and over. And my wife reassures me this is a good thing over and over and over, and she's always right. So do I wish that my kids feared me? Well my house would be quieter, and I'd spend a lot less time in the bathroom, but no. Because I know that whenever they insult me whether it's a "You're an idiot," "You're a geek," or an "I hate you," an "I love you" isn't far behind. And it's the knowledge that my wife and kids love me that makes it safe for me to wear pajamas and black socks to the breakfast table.
[after Kyle gets off the phone with a girl named Lindsay]
Kyle: Uh, Mr. Hennessy -...
Paul: Please, Sensei. Lindsay, huh? You have other girlfriends, Kyle, and that's fine with me.
Kyle: Sweet!
Paul: As long as it's okay with my daughter. Otherwise, you will continue to date her and no one but her, until she is finished with you. Because if you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Kyle: Uh, Mr. Hennessy -...
Paul: Please, Sensei. Lindsay, huh? You have other girlfriends, Kyle, and that's fine with me.
Kyle: Sweet!
Paul: As long as it's okay with my daughter. Otherwise, you will continue to date her and no one but her, until she is finished with you. Because if you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Paul: What were you and your mom talking about? Your face is all puffy.
Kerry: [sarcastically] Thanks.
Paul: Well, not the bad puffy.
Kerry: Oh, right, the good puffy! I just needed to talk to mom but I'm fine now.
Paul: OK, but if you need to talk... about anything... I'm here.
Kerry: Me and Jason broke up.
Paul: Did he dump you?
Kerry: It was mutual.
Paul: Oh, well, if you meant anything to him he'll call you.
Kerry: He hasn't called.
[she starts to cry a little]
Paul: Well, give it a day, if you meant anything *at all* to him he will call.
Kerry: [starts to bawl] We broke up last week!
Bridget: [Bridget walks in, Kerry runs to her crying, Bridget gives her a hug] You talked to Dad? What were you thinking!
Cate: [comes down the stairs and sees Kerry crying] Paul!
Paul: She just needed a good cry.
Kerry: [sarcastically] Thanks.
Paul: Well, not the bad puffy.
Kerry: Oh, right, the good puffy! I just needed to talk to mom but I'm fine now.
Paul: OK, but if you need to talk... about anything... I'm here.
Kerry: Me and Jason broke up.
Paul: Did he dump you?
Kerry: It was mutual.
Paul: Oh, well, if you meant anything to him he'll call you.
Kerry: He hasn't called.
[she starts to cry a little]
Paul: Well, give it a day, if you meant anything *at all* to him he will call.
Kerry: [starts to bawl] We broke up last week!
Bridget: [Bridget walks in, Kerry runs to her crying, Bridget gives her a hug] You talked to Dad? What were you thinking!
Cate: [comes down the stairs and sees Kerry crying] Paul!
Paul: She just needed a good cry.
Bridget: Oh please, the only reason you're popular is because I went out with Kyle, which made him popular. And then I dumped him and you got him on the rebound which made you popular, then I had a deep relationship with Donny Doyle. Probably the most meaningful two weeks of my life of my entire life. Totally taking me out the loop creating a popularity vacuum and voila¯!
Kerry: What's that supposed to mean?
Bridget: I dunno; it's French, but magicians do it too.
Kerry: What's that supposed to mean?
Bridget: I dunno; it's French, but magicians do it too.
Ed Gibb: So, um. Need any help there?
Jim: Are you some kind of engineer?
Ed Gibb: No. I just...
Jim: So what then? You think I need some kind of help because I'm old?
Ed Gibb: No, I really...
Jim: Well, let me tell you somethin', college boy.
Ed Gibb: Hey hey hey, if you hit me again, I am not coming for Christmas.
Jim: Are you some kind of engineer?
Ed Gibb: No. I just...
Jim: So what then? You think I need some kind of help because I'm old?
Ed Gibb: No, I really...
Jim: Well, let me tell you somethin', college boy.
Ed Gibb: Hey hey hey, if you hit me again, I am not coming for Christmas.
[Bridget walks downstairs dressed in tight pants and a short shirt]
Paul: Uh, Bridget, why are you dressed like that?
Kerry: Must be casual sex day at school.
Bridget: Hey, at least I get...
[Paul turns to Bridget]
Bridget: ...Look good.
Paul: Okay, Cupcake, I think you missed the word "under" in underwear because I can see your bra and that slingshot your wearing under your pants.
Bridget: It's a thong.
Paul: It's floss.
Bridget: I can't wear anything else. Panty lines - Hello?
Paul: Panty lines - Hello, are fine. Actually they were a pretty big deal in my day.
Bridget: Well, we're the thong generation.
Paul: Well, maybe that's why your generation is so angry. Your always walking around with a wedgie!
Paul: Uh, Bridget, why are you dressed like that?
Kerry: Must be casual sex day at school.
Bridget: Hey, at least I get...
[Paul turns to Bridget]
Bridget: ...Look good.
Paul: Okay, Cupcake, I think you missed the word "under" in underwear because I can see your bra and that slingshot your wearing under your pants.
Bridget: It's a thong.
Paul: It's floss.
Bridget: I can't wear anything else. Panty lines - Hello?
Paul: Panty lines - Hello, are fine. Actually they were a pretty big deal in my day.
Bridget: Well, we're the thong generation.
Paul: Well, maybe that's why your generation is so angry. Your always walking around with a wedgie!
Bridget: [to the tune of P-U-R-P-L-E, in the shower] Who's the girl with the pretty hair? Bridget! Bridget! Who's the girl that makes boys stare? Bridget Hennessy!
Bridget: Lather, rinse, repeat! Lather, rinse, repeat! Do it twice and the hair smells nice-lather, rinse, repeaaattt!
Bridget: Now onto the legs. Who's the girl with the pretty legs? Bridget! Bridget! Who's the girl that makes boys stare? Bridget Hennessy!
[Kerry, listening to her, sighs and rolls her eyes]
Bridget: Lather, rinse, repeat! Lather, rinse, repeat! Do it twice and the hair smells nice-lather, rinse, repeaaattt!
Bridget: Now onto the legs. Who's the girl with the pretty legs? Bridget! Bridget! Who's the girl that makes boys stare? Bridget Hennessy!
[Kerry, listening to her, sighs and rolls her eyes]
Kerry: Mom, Fred Doyle is planning on having dinner with Dad and Jesus in Heaven?
Cate: Come on it's a nice thought.
Kerry: Yeah but Dad's spent three years avoiding the Doyle's annual barbecue, how's he gonna get outta that? I mean Dad's a terrible liar, and Jesus is gonna be sitting right there.
Cate: Yeah and Fred going on about the difference between electric and gas powered weed whackers. And Jesus isn't going to wanna back outta that dare!
Cate: Come on it's a nice thought.
Kerry: Yeah but Dad's spent three years avoiding the Doyle's annual barbecue, how's he gonna get outta that? I mean Dad's a terrible liar, and Jesus is gonna be sitting right there.
Cate: Yeah and Fred going on about the difference between electric and gas powered weed whackers. And Jesus isn't going to wanna back outta that dare!
Kerry: So, that's all you can think of to be thankful for? That you got the good hair?
Bridget: No, I said it's what I'm most thankful for.
Jim: And, what about you, Cate? What are you thankful for?
Cate: Well, I'm thankful for my wonderful children, and for my great dad and my mom even though she couldn't be here.
Jim: That's what I'm thankful for.
Bridget: No, I said it's what I'm most thankful for.
Jim: And, what about you, Cate? What are you thankful for?
Cate: Well, I'm thankful for my wonderful children, and for my great dad and my mom even though she couldn't be here.
Jim: That's what I'm thankful for.
Paul: Hypothetically, how many kids would you say are sexually active?
Bridget: Define "sexually active."
Kerry: Do you want to be home schooled?
Bridget: Sorry. So I'd say: 1 in 3.
Kerry: Yeah, except the band kids.
Paul: The band kids?
Kerry: Yeah, they're like rabbits!
Bridget: Uh-huh.
Paul: Wow.
Bridget: Define "sexually active."
Kerry: Do you want to be home schooled?
Bridget: Sorry. So I'd say: 1 in 3.
Kerry: Yeah, except the band kids.
Paul: The band kids?
Kerry: Yeah, they're like rabbits!
Bridget: Uh-huh.
Paul: Wow.
Bridget: I'll tell you what this is about! This is about me winning Jeremy and humiliating Lacey so bad that she has to hide her face and move to the Northern territory and live with the bears, until one day she starts riding the bear like a pony and it gets so mad that it turns around and eats her and it eats so much of her face that it starts to look like Lacey and all the other bears point and laugh and say, "Ha! Your face looks like Lacey's."
