22 Jump Street Quotes
After making their way through high school (twice), big changes are in store for officers Schmidt and Jenko when they go deep undercover at a local college.
Captain Dickson: Fuck a 21 Jump Street & *FUCK* a Korean Jesus!
Jenko: [pointing across the room to the statue of Jesus] Captain, Korean Jesus is right there!
Captain Dickson: That's Vietnamese Jesus now. See this is a Vietnamese church, you racist sacrilegious sack of shit!
[admiring Vietnamese Jesus]
Captain Dickson: Yeah, Vietnamese Jesus is just drippin' swag-goo!
Jenko: [pointing across the room to the statue of Jesus] Captain, Korean Jesus is right there!
Captain Dickson: That's Vietnamese Jesus now. See this is a Vietnamese church, you racist sacrilegious sack of shit!
[admiring Vietnamese Jesus]
Captain Dickson: Yeah, Vietnamese Jesus is just drippin' swag-goo!
Mrs. Dickson: So, how did you and Doug meet?
Maya: We met at a party and then he stalked me to my dorm room.
Captain Dickson: Stalked you? And then what happened?
Maya: Then, we hung out and watched a movie.
Maya: [pause for a second] Actually, we watched it a couple times.
Captain Dickson: This is bullshit! Waiter, can a black man get some water?
Schmidt: Someone get the fucking man some water. He's black, he's been through a lot!
Maya: We met at a party and then he stalked me to my dorm room.
Captain Dickson: Stalked you? And then what happened?
Maya: Then, we hung out and watched a movie.
Maya: [pause for a second] Actually, we watched it a couple times.
Captain Dickson: This is bullshit! Waiter, can a black man get some water?
Schmidt: Someone get the fucking man some water. He's black, he's been through a lot!
Captain Dickson: Gentlemen, you're not gonna sit here
[places pistol down on desk]
Captain Dickson: & pretend there's not a big-ass elephant in the room.
Jenko: [confused] What the fuck is going on?
Captain Dickson: [turns picture frame on desk around, revealing a photo of Maya] *This* is what the fuck is going on!
Jenko: [looks at the picture confused, looks at Schmidt, then back at the picture as he realizes] OH SHIT! Oh Shit!
[laughs hysterically at Schmidt]
Jenko: Oh shit! No! That is not happening right now!
[exits office]
Jenko: No!
[to coworkers, exchanging high fives]
Jenko: Hey ya'll he's fucking the captain's daughter! Yo! Oh my FUCK!
Captain Dickson: [as Jenko is laughing outside office, to Schmidt] Every time, he says that shit? That's another foot in your ass!
Jenko: [outside office] Schmidt! You clearly... yo, this is the best thing ever!
[laughing]
Jenko: Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!
[sing-song]
Jenko: Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter! Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!
Jenko: [re-enters office] Shit! Fuck!
[to Schmidt]
Jenko: You fucked Captain Dickson's daughter? Captain? What the fuck, you bragged to him to his face! To his actual face, the captain, do you understand that *this face*
[pointing to Captain Dickson's angry face]
Jenko: right here! You bragged to that face!
Jenko: [to Captain Dickson] You actually high-fived Schmidt for fucking your daughter? Holy Shit! Oh my God, this is...
Captain Dickson: [picks pistol up and places it back on the desk, with the barrel facing Jenko]
Jenko: [composing himself] It's really not that funny.
[places pistol down on desk]
Captain Dickson: & pretend there's not a big-ass elephant in the room.
Jenko: [confused] What the fuck is going on?
Captain Dickson: [turns picture frame on desk around, revealing a photo of Maya] *This* is what the fuck is going on!
Jenko: [looks at the picture confused, looks at Schmidt, then back at the picture as he realizes] OH SHIT! Oh Shit!
[laughs hysterically at Schmidt]
Jenko: Oh shit! No! That is not happening right now!
[exits office]
Jenko: No!
[to coworkers, exchanging high fives]
Jenko: Hey ya'll he's fucking the captain's daughter! Yo! Oh my FUCK!
Captain Dickson: [as Jenko is laughing outside office, to Schmidt] Every time, he says that shit? That's another foot in your ass!
Jenko: [outside office] Schmidt! You clearly... yo, this is the best thing ever!
[laughing]
Jenko: Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!
[sing-song]
Jenko: Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter! Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!
Jenko: [re-enters office] Shit! Fuck!
[to Schmidt]
Jenko: You fucked Captain Dickson's daughter? Captain? What the fuck, you bragged to him to his face! To his actual face, the captain, do you understand that *this face*
[pointing to Captain Dickson's angry face]
Jenko: right here! You bragged to that face!
Jenko: [to Captain Dickson] You actually high-fived Schmidt for fucking your daughter? Holy Shit! Oh my God, this is...
Captain Dickson: [picks pistol up and places it back on the desk, with the barrel facing Jenko]
Jenko: [composing himself] It's really not that funny.
[last lines before end credits sequence]
Captain Dickson: Jenko, what are you doing, man?
Jenko: Fuck you, Schmidt!
Captain Dickson: Stop dicking around!
Jenko: Hey, captain!
Captain Dickson: Congratulations, you two. You managed to un-fuck a situation you originally already fucked up!
Schmidt: Thanks!
Captain Dickson: [talking to Schmidt] I wish I could have you un-fuck my daughter, but I'ma let that be the past.
Captain Dickson: [talking to Schmidt and Jenko] Now, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches going to medical school!
Jenko: What?
Captain Dickson: Jenko, what are you doing, man?
Jenko: Fuck you, Schmidt!
Captain Dickson: Stop dicking around!
Jenko: Hey, captain!
Captain Dickson: Congratulations, you two. You managed to un-fuck a situation you originally already fucked up!
Schmidt: Thanks!
Captain Dickson: [talking to Schmidt] I wish I could have you un-fuck my daughter, but I'ma let that be the past.
Captain Dickson: [talking to Schmidt and Jenko] Now, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches going to medical school!
Jenko: What?
Schmidt: I just wanna say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to MC State...
Captain Dickson: I think it's bizarre that I haven't cut your motherfuckin' nuts off.
Jenko: [to Schmidt] What if, Captain gets to punch you in the face, one time? Really, really, REALLY hard?
Captain Dickson: Nah, I've got something WAY better than that.
[cut to Captain Dickson shooting a stun gun at Schmidt's testicles]
Captain Dickson: I think it's bizarre that I haven't cut your motherfuckin' nuts off.
Jenko: [to Schmidt] What if, Captain gets to punch you in the face, one time? Really, really, REALLY hard?
Captain Dickson: Nah, I've got something WAY better than that.
[cut to Captain Dickson shooting a stun gun at Schmidt's testicles]
Schmidt: Slam... poetry. Yelling! Angry! Waving my hands a LOT! Specific point of view on THINGS! Cynthia! Cyn-thi-a! Jesus died for our sin-thi-as! Jesus cried, runaway bride. Julia Roberts! Julia Rob... hurts! Cynthia! Ooh, Cynthia. You're dead. You are dead. Bop boop beep bop bop boop bop. You're dead. That's for Cynthia... who's dead.
